socks
Experienced Member
- Reaction score
- 5
Well, tonight was a beautiful fall night in Texas... The sky was so clear that the blackness seemed almost surreal and the stars seemed exceptionally bright. I stood outside in my backyard while my dogs sniffed around the yard for scents only they could perceive. A gentle breeze blew and in the background a lone dog's bark filled the cool crisp void.
I just stared looking at the sky... Remember a long lost love... A time when I had no worries... My days were filled with excitement and my nights spent warm next to a women I loved with all my heart... So much so I remember thinking to myself, before I fell asleep, not even heaven could feel this good.
I remember waking-up in the morning and actually liking the person I saw looking back at me in the mirror... Now, as I stood outside this beautiful fall evening, I could only think of the past and of all those colds nights I spent laying in the back of our pick-up, drinking beer, and making love under a sky that looked just like tonight's. For just a brief moment I felt in my heart a passion that died what seemed so long ago.
I guess I should be thankful my hairloss isnt bad (yet)... I can still pretty much pass for someone without hairloss... But that is only because I put the effort into making it look that way... Gone are the days of waking up with long thick brown hair that no matter how much I abused it, it always looked good... Catching the stares of young girls in the swimming pool looking my way as I would swim with my ex... Getting out of the pool only to catch a glimpse of myself in the huge glass window/mirrors and think, "Damn, I do look good".
I never grew up with "good looks" until around the age of 17/18... Then I started to "bloom" if you will and knew for the first time in my life what it was like to be the guy all the girls wanted. 18yrs of nothing only to have 5yrs of everything I felt I didnt have when I was younger.
Now I guess I can pass for "average" and my hairloss can be concealed. However, the thought of getting out of the swimming pool with my hair grown out and slicked back is but a memory... All those days at the beach driving my sports car on the strip with my T-tops down, my favorite CD blasting, and my hair blowing carelessly in the wind gone... Those Texas fall evenings, just like tonight, laying naked outside with the girl I love running her fingers through my hair whispering dirty words in my ear... It all seems like a life-time ago.
Maybe I'm being selfish and maybe I'm being vain but it still f*cking sucks. There are people worse off then I for sure but having gone through everything I did for the first 18yrs of my life I thought I atleast deserved more then 5yrs of happiness. I'm grateful in many ways for what I do have but nothing seems to compare to the way my life was when I was 19.
Hairloss and dealing with everything that comes with it has really taken a toll on me that I dont think I fully appreciated until tonight. I feel like there has to be an answer to my troubles out there somewhere... A path back to a guy who loves life again. I sometimes wonder if it isnt right in front of my face; staring at me; challenging me to recognize it. I think the only fate worse then feeling the way I do now is to someday realize I had the key to happiness right in front of my face and I just couldnt see it! How cruel that would be... To live a life in sorrow only to realize when it is too late that it was all unnecessary.
What if one day you opened your eyes and, instead of seeing the room you went to sleep in the night before, you saw God. If He showed you what could have been if you only were willing to see past your own vanity and insecurities, what would say? I looked up at the Texas sky tonight and instead of thinking I found heaven (as I did with my first love), I wondered if I just got a little closer to understanding Hell.
Brian
I just stared looking at the sky... Remember a long lost love... A time when I had no worries... My days were filled with excitement and my nights spent warm next to a women I loved with all my heart... So much so I remember thinking to myself, before I fell asleep, not even heaven could feel this good.
I remember waking-up in the morning and actually liking the person I saw looking back at me in the mirror... Now, as I stood outside this beautiful fall evening, I could only think of the past and of all those colds nights I spent laying in the back of our pick-up, drinking beer, and making love under a sky that looked just like tonight's. For just a brief moment I felt in my heart a passion that died what seemed so long ago.
I guess I should be thankful my hairloss isnt bad (yet)... I can still pretty much pass for someone without hairloss... But that is only because I put the effort into making it look that way... Gone are the days of waking up with long thick brown hair that no matter how much I abused it, it always looked good... Catching the stares of young girls in the swimming pool looking my way as I would swim with my ex... Getting out of the pool only to catch a glimpse of myself in the huge glass window/mirrors and think, "Damn, I do look good".
I never grew up with "good looks" until around the age of 17/18... Then I started to "bloom" if you will and knew for the first time in my life what it was like to be the guy all the girls wanted. 18yrs of nothing only to have 5yrs of everything I felt I didnt have when I was younger.
Now I guess I can pass for "average" and my hairloss can be concealed. However, the thought of getting out of the swimming pool with my hair grown out and slicked back is but a memory... All those days at the beach driving my sports car on the strip with my T-tops down, my favorite CD blasting, and my hair blowing carelessly in the wind gone... Those Texas fall evenings, just like tonight, laying naked outside with the girl I love running her fingers through my hair whispering dirty words in my ear... It all seems like a life-time ago.
Maybe I'm being selfish and maybe I'm being vain but it still f*cking sucks. There are people worse off then I for sure but having gone through everything I did for the first 18yrs of my life I thought I atleast deserved more then 5yrs of happiness. I'm grateful in many ways for what I do have but nothing seems to compare to the way my life was when I was 19.
Hairloss and dealing with everything that comes with it has really taken a toll on me that I dont think I fully appreciated until tonight. I feel like there has to be an answer to my troubles out there somewhere... A path back to a guy who loves life again. I sometimes wonder if it isnt right in front of my face; staring at me; challenging me to recognize it. I think the only fate worse then feeling the way I do now is to someday realize I had the key to happiness right in front of my face and I just couldnt see it! How cruel that would be... To live a life in sorrow only to realize when it is too late that it was all unnecessary.
What if one day you opened your eyes and, instead of seeing the room you went to sleep in the night before, you saw God. If He showed you what could have been if you only were willing to see past your own vanity and insecurities, what would say? I looked up at the Texas sky tonight and instead of thinking I found heaven (as I did with my first love), I wondered if I just got a little closer to understanding Hell.
Brian
