Man's Question for Women

[bombscience]

Hello Ladies,

I stepped out of the Men's forum for a second to ask some advice from you all.

I am 25 years old and have been balding rapidly for the last 6 months or so. My hair is getting to the point where you can often see the scalp, especially in the sun. I just recently entered a relationship with someone who I think might be "the one" for me. Whether she has noticed my hairloss or not is unknown to me because I haven't told her that I am thinning yet. So my question to everyone here is, as a woman would you be turned off more by a man who openly talked to you about the fact that he was losing his hair when it may not be entirely noticable, or more by a guy who avoided the topic until his hairloss was unavoidably noticable? I'm looking to keep this girl, and either way this balding thing hurts my cause, but I'd like to take the route of dealing with it in a way that lets me have a better chance of keeping her interested. Thanks for your help!

 

[jvantin1]

Hi Bombscience,

I empathize with you. Although I'm getting married to a wonderful man in September, I started losing my hair a year ago--and this man and I have known each other for two.

When he met me, I was 15 percent body fat and had thick, wild hair. I was 38 and looked 38. Now, because of Depo-Provera, I've gained 10 pounds and my hair, while still long, is NOTHING like it was.

I feel less than I was--very vulnerable and feeling like he must be disappointed, although he's always assured me he loves me as much as he ever has (amd shows it).

What I'm trying to say is that, as terrible as hair loss is, it is largely a private battle--us against our vanity, our sense of self, our perspection--instilled by our culture's obsession with looks--that we have nothing to offer anyone.

It's not true.

I've been learning--and it's so, so hard--that our hair loss is of the utmost importance only to us. It's trite, but the people who love us, love us despite our flaws.

If this woman is the one, she will love you for you, and not your hair. If you're funny, and kind, and treat her with the love and respect she deserves, and spoil her outrageously, and bring her magazines and soup when she's sick, and listen when she talks, and are there for her, she will stay--and she will love you.

My husband to be is about 40 pounds overweight, but he does all of above. And I swear to God, he is the sexiest man I have EVER known. And in my 40 years, I've known quite a few.

I am devoted to him because he treats me right.

Talk to her about it. Don't make it a huge deal, but do talk to her about it. And see how she reacts.

I know there's a huge difference between 40 and 25, but that doesn't change the fundamental truth: unconditional love is the only love there is. Don't think of the talk as a test of how much she cares about YOU, but about what kind of character she has. But really, this is what this is about: can you trust her with your heart? Will she laugh, make light of it? Will you sense disappointment in her, and will she pull away? Or will she pull you close and tell you it doesn't matter?

She'll make her decision. And then you make yours.

Good luck.

 

[jvantin1]

I meant to say I looked 30, not 38. Now I guess I look, um, 35.

 

[totaldispHAIR]

Bombscience,

If you think she may be the one, this would be a great opportunity for you to test your relationship. I married my husband a year ago, we've been dating for two and a half. He's the first person I've ever dated with whom I could talk about *anything*, share all my vulnerabilities and inperfections (and believe me, being a Type A perfectionist, it's not easy for me to share with anyone my flaws). His unconditional support before my hairloss, and now, has proven to me time and time again that the marriage vows and commitment we made are at the top of his priority list.

Incidentally, he is thinning and has male pattern baldness in his family. He once asked me during the first few months we were together if I would still love him even though he would be bald some day. It just made him more precious to me than ever before, and I will love him, no matter what happens. He is the sexiest man I know...even if he is thinning, I don't even notice it because we have so much fun together and he's always making me laugh.

Good luck to you and your woman!

 

[bombscience]

Ladies,

Thanks for the advice. I wish there were more 23-26 year old women who understood there was much more than image. She's 23 and I'm 25 so i'm really really worried about how this is all going to go over. Still really nervous because I dont know too many 23 year old women that want to be dating "the balding guy". I have a haircut this week and I'm pretty sure she'll notice after that, so I'm going to tell her this week and see if laughs, is turned off, or something even worse. I don't think she's that type of person, but I dont think it's her opinion, it's the opinion of all her friends.

Anyway I'll let you know how it turns out. Thanks again for the advice.

 

[karen]

:lol:hello,hows it goin,well you wanted an oppinion so here goes,im sure your girlfriend will love you no matter what,and if you want my advice dont even make a big deal out of it,just laugh about it,loves love mate,and i bet she couldnt care less,so hold your head up,take care love kaz

 

[bombscience]

Ah yeah see that's the problem, we're not the emotional type, so I'm not sure what to do. I'll let you know how it goes!

 

[bombscience]

So here's the update. We were out the other night and we were talking about her sister who is a mutual friend of mine as well and how her sister was now sleeping with one of my her coworkers.

My girl says, "I have really no idea why she's dating him, he's fat and bald." Ouch! I'm definetly not fat, but the bald thing definetly alerted me to the fact she's sensitive about it. I guess i'm just going to keep it to myself for now.

 

[Guest]

So here's the update. We were out the other night and we were talking about her sister who is a mutual friend of mine as well and how her sister was now sleeping with one of my her coworkers.

My girl says, "I have really no idea why she's dating him, he's fat and bald." Ouch! I'm definetly not fat, but the bald thing definetly alerted me to the fact she's sensitive about it. I guess i'm just going to keep it to myself for now.

Bomb

Are you surprised that appearance matters to many woman and men?

:lol:

 

[bombscience]

Not really suprised that it matter, just that it was one of the major reasons why she was turned off by him. I followed her comment with, "does he have a good personality?" And she said, yeah he's has an awesome personality but man he's really ugly.

 

[dragonflygirl]

hello

most sane, intelligent women reason that there's a good chance any man they fall in love with will lose his hair at some point. the rates are 10% in your teens, 20% in your twenties and it of course gets higher as you age. that is just the facts. at 23, girls just aren't thinking about these things, but it does become evident as we get older.

the 2nd post was really nice, please take it to heart. As for your girl's comments, people say stupid things and don't really mean them. especially in their early 20's.

also, there's an article on msn today about how to increase your sex appeal if you are a man. it states that most women don't really care about male hair loss, as long as its not a comb-over. meaning, balding men who shave their heads, or keep it real short are sexy.

Best of luck!

 

[bombscience]

Re: hello

most sane, intelligent women reason that there's a good chance any man they fall in love with will lose his hair at some point. the rates are 10% in your teens, 20% in your twenties and it of course gets higher as you age. that is just the facts. at 23, girls just aren't thinking about these things, but it does become evident as we get older.

the 2nd post was really nice, please take it to heart. As for your girl's comments, people say stupid things and don't really mean them. especially in their early 20's.

also, there's an article on msn today about how to increase your sex appeal if you are a man. it states that most women don't really care about male hair loss, as long as its not a comb-over. meaning, balding men who shave their heads, or keep it real short are sexy.

Best of luck!

Thanks for the support. I wish I looked better with a shaved head. Too bad I have dumbo ears.

 

[totaldispHAIR]

Bombscience, if she really thought you were ugly or unattractive, she wouldn't be dating you. She'd have dumped your *** by now. But, she's with you, so obviously you've got plenty of qualities that she's attracted to. But I promise you, if you start obsessing about your hairloss with her, it'll be a turnoff, because she wants to hang out with *you*, not your insecurities. For example, if she spent all her time focused on how fat she was or how ugly she was, sooner or later, you'd want to go find someone who you could go out and have fun with.

Don't worry too much sweetie, you're going to be fine. For all you know, she may have noticed and not cared. Or she may have not. But, in any event, enjoy the time you have with her now...and if she feels strongly about you, it won't matter in the future what your hair looks like. Trust us women on this one. If we love a guy, we don't notice the flaws.

 

[Guest]

Hi! I think that if this girl has brains then your hair problem won't change her feelings about you. Actually, I think that there men are sexy and ofcourse I know that you are going trough a rough time, but I can tell you that no girl is going to look at you and say something nasty... then she is just a idiot !!! If I were you I would tell her, because dealing it with your loved ones can be much easier.!!!

 

[asolof]

bombscience,

What a great idea to post here in the women's section about this. There are about a zillion posts in the "general discussion group" with guys asking guys what women think or how women will react instead of doing the "obvious" (apparently not so obvious) asking women.

 

[Guest]

Bomb,

Usually I like my guys with a full head of hair, but married a balding man. Looks are important to women, but we aren't as visually stimulated as men. Once we get to know the man looks aren't as important as the bond that has developed. Give me a responsible, big hearted, thoughtful man that I can have fun with over a great looking guy with a full head of hair and a head full of himself. Besides, some guys look really good bald. Look at some of the actors and athletes that are shaving thier heads. I'm sure they have enough money for the best treatments or hair pieces, but they choose not to do that. As for my husband, I really don't care, but it bothers him, so I do wish he'd do something about it. For his sake. If it was up to me I'd be happier if he'd just loose the wieght he's gained over the years. I worry about what it does to his health and it ages him more than his lack of hair.

 

[Guest]

NO, that's GOOD

sweetie, what that means is she hasn't even noticed. She would never say something like that to you if it even occurred to her that it applied to you. And I feel pretty confident that she won't care if you mention it. Say, "SO, do you stil think I'm sexy even though I'm looking a little thin on top, or do I have to buy a toupee?" She'll laugh, she'll look at the top of your head, she'll crack a joke, she'll kiss you, and it will be over. No big deal.

She think s you're hot, or she wouldn't be dating you. Whether it's for your stunning, manly good looks, your affectionate nature, or your charm, I could not say, my dear, I just don't know you well enough to pick one.

Trust me -- this is an EXCELLENT sign.

 

[elguapo]

Bomb,

First off, wierd that I just responded to your thread in the men's general discussion forum. Nope, not a cyber-stalker.=)

Second, I agree that it is a really good idea of you to ask the gals on this site for advice. Maybe I'm a bit proud of myself, as I'm about to do the same. =)

Third, you said:

Not really suprised that it matter, just that it was one of the major reasons why she was turned off by him. I followed her comment with, "does he have a good personality?" And she said, yeah he's has an awesome personality but man he's really ugly.

I just had a month long relationship with a beautiful former model. She is sweet, 25 years old, has a wonderful 2-yr old daughter and is an excellent mother, but we just didn't have that connection. Anyway, she dated a guy who was in his 40s- some rich wall street guy- who was bald. I think she liked the money and vacations, but also his personality. She did mention that he was balding, and when she said that, I clammed up, too.

My point: I think that even though she is young, she didn't care about the balding. I think if you have a good looking face, that is what women go by. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

Glad to hear you found an awesome girl. Glad, and jealous. Me, I look and look and look... and therein lies my problem.

Good luck!

 

[Temples]

Put her on the spot. Come right out and say that you're losing your hair. If she flinches, get rid of her.

 

[Guest]

Put her on the spot. Come right out and say that you're losing your hair. If she flinches, get rid of her.

It goes without saying you'd lead by example and not flinch in the face of a girl who told you she was going bald then, eh Temples? Jolly good.