Gilgamesh.
As difficult as it may seem to accept, it looks like you may have a skewed view of what is actually happening in the world in which you live.
There are, it would appear, two issues here, firstly your distorted narccissim and secondly the, ultimately more trivial, issue of you wanting surgery to remove your testicles in the
hope that it will slow or halt your hair loss.
The thoughts of castration are peripheral to your narccissim, they are a 'symptom' of your narccissim.
You come accross, in your posts, like the most shallow, unattractive, unbalanced person to have lived, outside of a cheap pulp fiction novel.
As you grow older, your views and hopes will change more radically than you can ever believe, as much as you don't now particularly like the idea of playing with plastic bricks painted on each side with letters from the alphabet, believe it or not, in as little as a few years hair loss may not be a big issue for you.
You say in your 'letter'
it's not that im vain or superficial. it's that im
realistic. i see the patterns for what they are, and
how you look is everything
You also say
Really I'm not even mad at you
You must know, as everyone who reads this letter, that you are not being honest to yourself, you are plainly 'mad' at this girl for talking you out of castration, and even you must admit that anyone would stuggle not to label you as vain. You may have arrived at this vanity through your idea that you are being realistic, but without a doubt vanity it is.
And what purpose does this 'letter' serve ? For you ?, for your ex-fiance ? or, indeed, for the numerous posters on this forum you wish to perform your anxieties to.
Gilgamesh said:
I was gonna get castrated like 2 years ago and my ex-fiance (who I'd been with since I was basically a kid) talked me out of it. Said I was crazy and she'd love me if I had no hair, blah blah. Then I got on oral flutamide from India and she talked me out of it because she missed the sex.
Well I stopped taking it, went past a NW2 and she left me for my NW0 roomate. Said she was no longer attracted to me and couldn't help she felt that way (while crying). This is someone I spent every second with for most of my life. This isn't why I feel the way I do.
but let that be a lesson to ya. girls can't be trusted
What 'lesson' are you teaching us here ? Why can't girls be trusted ? Maybe this is really how she felt, maybe you had turned out after all these years to be the wrong person, it may have been the most honest thing she has ever done in her life. You are not the first or last person to have their heart broken, your experience is commonplace.
If this has no relevance on how you feel the way you do, why have you made numerous references to your ex-fiance in this thread, why do we have to see your angry letter to her.
I had to pick one or the other and i felt i had no choice (and believe me it was difficult)
You also say you found yourself in a situation where you felt forced to choose between staying with your ex-fiance and keeping your hair (through the use of castration) and you say it was 'difficult'
What are we to make of this ? You plainly could not of loved her if you found this choice difficult.
It is easy to blame the acrimonious split with your ex-fiance on the density of your scalp hair but I do not know of any girl who would not have some doubts that they are with the right person when that person thinks it reasonable to end their sex life for vanity, to loose the chance to ever have kids for vanity and even to surgically castrate himself for vanity.
I could endlessly sit here and type examples of why your strongly held views on intersexual attraction are wrong, which I believe them to be, and how the female sex does not see men exclusively as a plot on the Norwood scale but I doubt they would hold any sway with you.
You are a vain fool.