I can't imagine how you must feel...All I can offer you is this -- you're here on this planet...you know what you're up against navigating through this world, the best you can until your time comes...Do you know what you're up against if you kill yourself?? You don't...the ultimate gamble...what will be waiting for you on the other side?? I don't know and I don't want to know until I am forced to deal with it...At least here, you know you can still fight and claw your way...you can still fight each day to find happiness and get something out of this life if you fight hard enough for it...and there's always hope that something will come along to help with the hairloss...
...you have every right to be here and live your life, hair or no effin' hair...
To be honest, what's on "the other side" doesn't scare me as much as what's on "this side".
Truth is we are all gonna end up on "the other side" sooner or later anyway, some just get there sooner than others.
It's not a gamble when I'm gonna die some day anyway, is it?
I'm not expecting the gates of Heaven to welcome me into Paradise with open arms, and eternal happiness and perfection.
I've lost my faith in God a long time ago. I don't believe in Hell either.
I think dying is just like turning the lights off, but setting the soul free from all the pain this life has caused.
Nothing but blackness, emptiness, and peace.
To me that sounds a hell of a lot better than the life I am currently living.
I used to love this life (although I was depressed before too) but losing my hair took everything away from me, piece by piece, and day by day.
It's bad enough when men lose their hair, especially young men, but when a young woman lose her hair this way,
it's beyond devastating to the point where I never thought I could experience this much grief, anger and hopelessness.
And trust me, I never had an easy life before this either.
Sure, I was considered especially attractive and had plenty of boys to choose from at any given time.
But I also suffered anxiety and at times severe depression from I was about 16 years old.
I never liked myself much, and always thought of myself as less worth than other people.
I had difficulities letting people in because I thought I was boring, dumb and annoying.
Then my body started failing, I couldn't walk the stairs at home, couldn't sleep, all I ever did was worry...
But somehow I got through it and managed to keep my head up, and start school again (after being ill for a couple of years).
I rebuilt my life, gained some confidence and things were finally looking better after years of hell.
Then I started losing my hair, and the trauma this has caused me makes my past look like a vacation.
Like I said I never was a confident person, rather the opposite. I always saw my flaws before anything else.
So when you are stuck with a flaw as significant as this, and nothing works to correct it,
a person like me WILL fall into deep darkness and stay there.
It's like I'm wired this way, like my head is telling me I will never, ever find happiness without getting my hair back.
And as the days go by with more hair lost, and nothing returning, I find my days may be numbered.
I continue fighting, but I don't know how much longer I can take it to be honest.
My family is the only thing that keeps me on this planet, because I don't wanna cause them misery.
Still I feel like a person can only take so much.
Losing your hair is a trauma, but to some people like myself it sends you into a depression so deep most people cannot even imagine.
It's hard to even describe the impact it has on me but I'll say it has changed EVERYTHING, and not in a good way.
I'm so depressed I cannot even laugh or smile anymore.
I don't appreciate anything anymore, and I have lost pretty much all compassion for others.
I've turned into a depressive, bitter, angry and egoistic person which is the opposite of who I wanna be, who I used to be.
Yes, I have every right to life my life, but that doesn't mean I want to, or should.
If you lived my life and was in my head for a day you might feel different.
I don't think "the other side" is nearly as bad as the demons I'm battling inside of my very own head.
For now I am here, and continuing to seek a solution to my hair loss, but in a year maybe I won't be.
I wanna live, but not the life I am living, or rather the life I'm stuck with.
Okay, long post which probably no one will read and care about, but words are a therapy sometimes.
It does not make it alright, but putting my feelings into words is better than keeping it inside my head.
