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Fair warning, this might be a long one boyos!
I feel this is the only place where I can speak my heart.... the only safe place for m to come and share my thoughts.. my clear honest thoughts, and hear what you guys have to say. I welcome your comments, I welcome your advice. For myself, I have this advice to give you: Live your life to the best of your ability. Don't keep telling yourself that when you have your hair troubles sorted, you will go out in the world..... don't just 'ldar'. Yeah, you may be bald and ugly.... but do something. Do anything...... you are going to die! Live, before it is time to die! It's your sacred responsibility to yourself.
Background:
I am an Indian dude, in India, aged 28 (the significance of me being in my home country is that I'm not affected by racism, whether social or sexual). Before I starting balding noticable balding at age 22, before I shaved my head at age 23 (it's been ashaved ever since, though I have tried treatments), before all of this hair loss horseshit, I had a bit of a tough life. I had some medical issues as a child which led to rejection by peers, I had extremely low self-esteem, and never really developed any confidence. There was an instance of sexual assault (which no one knows about to this day..) involved. In short, it was bad. Very bad
Fast-forward to college, and all the medical issues were pretty much gone, but the psychological effects remained. They remain to this day. It was quite awful..... I lived about two decades of my life believing I'm a burden on my family. In college ths manifested in me not buying books, sleeping hungry, never going out (and therefore almost never hitting on women). It was, in all honesty, quite bad.
My Relationship:
At 19, still in college, I met a girl - one year my senior - who seemed quite interested in me. I was all ga-ga over her too, tbh. At least in the beginning. I started dating her after a year. She isn't all that hot.... not the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, and my friends would often tell me I could do better. I had an immature relationship with the girl at the start, and was very emotionally involved... as you are at that age, I guess. All through this, I have been terrifyingly attracted to other women. Well, I guess everyone is! But my greatest regret is... I never really tried. I just kept telling myself that I had plenty of time. I stayed with this girl because of my poor self-esteem, because I felt I couldn't do better. How can you love, when you hate yourself too much to even buy food until you are positively starving?
Baldness:
At 22, it was clear that I was diffusing. I shaved my head, and thought I could carry it. I can barely carry it, to be honest, but I feel and look very sub-human. Women who might give me time of day started ignoring me, and I started realizing - for the first time in my life - how much looks really mattered. I tried minoxidil, I took finasteride.... I tried some other sh*t... and finally researched hair transplants. My heart finally sank last year... I guess mid-2018, when I realized that I am too far gone to ever get a hair transplant. Professionally, I am not doing too well, but I feel I still have some potential. But I'm never going to be able to have a half-decent FUT.
I looked into therapy. But in India, you are hard-pressed to find anything worthwhile. I got put on drugs for my depression, but not much really changed.
During the past five "Bald Years", I have dated this girl off-and-on. Mostly 'on'. Whenever I tried to tell myself I want to do better (and I did, honestly), I just felt weak and scared. Who the hell was going to date an insecure ugly f*** like me? I've always put myself down, and wallowed in quite a bit of self pity, which I strongly regret. I kept lurking the "new treatments forum for almost two years, and kept telling myself that I might make it..... and then I will go out in the world and make something of myself. I feel I should have tried... at least tried, even if I would fail. It's unfortunate to be so ugly that no woman wants you. It is far, far worse to never try. I feel that obtaining some kind of 'sexual satisfaction', at least sleep with a couple of women (sorry if this sounds scummy, but this is what young guys think, and rightly so). Instead, I just stayed with this girl.... some sex, and it is good.... but ... but I don't know! I think because of my rather tough childhood, I have it in my mind that I'm not a "real man" yet.... and high-value men are those who live their lives on their own terms... and often on their own. They marry when thay want, and they have plenty of options.
On the other hand, though the girl herself had a slightly below-average self-esteem, she honestly loves me, it's too plain and obvious for anyone to fail to notice. She is so mad about me that she fought her parent's pressure to marry her off for the past two years (remember, this is India).
Today:
I am 28. My girlfriend is 29. She will be 30 in May ofnext year. She is under pressure from her parents to get married.... and that pressure is now on me. I have been asked - quite plainly - by the girl, and my own mother, to give a final answer by tomorrow.... so that it can be communicated to the girl's parents whether I will marry her or not.
I feel torn. She loves me.... I like her (yes, I notice the difference). I feel I could marry this girl... though I'm not thrilled about it. I wonder, if I yet say no..... what then? who is going to want me then???
I am panicking too damn much. And most of it is psychological..... most of it is regret: Could I have said "yes" confidently, if I had slept around in the previous years? Could I have found someone better? Would I have been happier with myself if I slept around? Would I be less resentful and unhappy with myself? Do I really need to be free anymore? Does it make any sense??
I am immature, poorly developed and socialized. I know that. But I don't know what to do...... this girl... is not all that hot, I' not mad about her... but she is a f*****g unicorn. She loves me to the point of madness at this point, even after eight f*****g years! It's hard to believe a strange, and not necessarily nice, guy like myself can be so lucky.
But I donn't know, I just don't know... I feel my youth is ending swiftly, I feel as though the devil has come for me.... I feel as though I have squandered my time to be young. I will try to sleep on it, and do what I need to do in the morning. I know that to an extent I was wronged, but I also clearly see my sins in painful reget... pray for me brothers, I love you bastards.
I feel this is the only place where I can speak my heart.... the only safe place for m to come and share my thoughts.. my clear honest thoughts, and hear what you guys have to say. I welcome your comments, I welcome your advice. For myself, I have this advice to give you: Live your life to the best of your ability. Don't keep telling yourself that when you have your hair troubles sorted, you will go out in the world..... don't just 'ldar'. Yeah, you may be bald and ugly.... but do something. Do anything...... you are going to die! Live, before it is time to die! It's your sacred responsibility to yourself.
Background:
I am an Indian dude, in India, aged 28 (the significance of me being in my home country is that I'm not affected by racism, whether social or sexual). Before I starting balding noticable balding at age 22, before I shaved my head at age 23 (it's been ashaved ever since, though I have tried treatments), before all of this hair loss horseshit, I had a bit of a tough life. I had some medical issues as a child which led to rejection by peers, I had extremely low self-esteem, and never really developed any confidence. There was an instance of sexual assault (which no one knows about to this day..) involved. In short, it was bad. Very bad
Fast-forward to college, and all the medical issues were pretty much gone, but the psychological effects remained. They remain to this day. It was quite awful..... I lived about two decades of my life believing I'm a burden on my family. In college ths manifested in me not buying books, sleeping hungry, never going out (and therefore almost never hitting on women). It was, in all honesty, quite bad.
My Relationship:
At 19, still in college, I met a girl - one year my senior - who seemed quite interested in me. I was all ga-ga over her too, tbh. At least in the beginning. I started dating her after a year. She isn't all that hot.... not the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, and my friends would often tell me I could do better. I had an immature relationship with the girl at the start, and was very emotionally involved... as you are at that age, I guess. All through this, I have been terrifyingly attracted to other women. Well, I guess everyone is! But my greatest regret is... I never really tried. I just kept telling myself that I had plenty of time. I stayed with this girl because of my poor self-esteem, because I felt I couldn't do better. How can you love, when you hate yourself too much to even buy food until you are positively starving?
Baldness:
At 22, it was clear that I was diffusing. I shaved my head, and thought I could carry it. I can barely carry it, to be honest, but I feel and look very sub-human. Women who might give me time of day started ignoring me, and I started realizing - for the first time in my life - how much looks really mattered. I tried minoxidil, I took finasteride.... I tried some other sh*t... and finally researched hair transplants. My heart finally sank last year... I guess mid-2018, when I realized that I am too far gone to ever get a hair transplant. Professionally, I am not doing too well, but I feel I still have some potential. But I'm never going to be able to have a half-decent FUT.
I looked into therapy. But in India, you are hard-pressed to find anything worthwhile. I got put on drugs for my depression, but not much really changed.
During the past five "Bald Years", I have dated this girl off-and-on. Mostly 'on'. Whenever I tried to tell myself I want to do better (and I did, honestly), I just felt weak and scared. Who the hell was going to date an insecure ugly f*** like me? I've always put myself down, and wallowed in quite a bit of self pity, which I strongly regret. I kept lurking the "new treatments forum for almost two years, and kept telling myself that I might make it..... and then I will go out in the world and make something of myself. I feel I should have tried... at least tried, even if I would fail. It's unfortunate to be so ugly that no woman wants you. It is far, far worse to never try. I feel that obtaining some kind of 'sexual satisfaction', at least sleep with a couple of women (sorry if this sounds scummy, but this is what young guys think, and rightly so). Instead, I just stayed with this girl.... some sex, and it is good.... but ... but I don't know! I think because of my rather tough childhood, I have it in my mind that I'm not a "real man" yet.... and high-value men are those who live their lives on their own terms... and often on their own. They marry when thay want, and they have plenty of options.
On the other hand, though the girl herself had a slightly below-average self-esteem, she honestly loves me, it's too plain and obvious for anyone to fail to notice. She is so mad about me that she fought her parent's pressure to marry her off for the past two years (remember, this is India).
Today:
I am 28. My girlfriend is 29. She will be 30 in May ofnext year. She is under pressure from her parents to get married.... and that pressure is now on me. I have been asked - quite plainly - by the girl, and my own mother, to give a final answer by tomorrow.... so that it can be communicated to the girl's parents whether I will marry her or not.
I feel torn. She loves me.... I like her (yes, I notice the difference). I feel I could marry this girl... though I'm not thrilled about it. I wonder, if I yet say no..... what then? who is going to want me then???
I am panicking too damn much. And most of it is psychological..... most of it is regret: Could I have said "yes" confidently, if I had slept around in the previous years? Could I have found someone better? Would I have been happier with myself if I slept around? Would I be less resentful and unhappy with myself? Do I really need to be free anymore? Does it make any sense??
I am immature, poorly developed and socialized. I know that. But I don't know what to do...... this girl... is not all that hot, I' not mad about her... but she is a f*****g unicorn. She loves me to the point of madness at this point, even after eight f*****g years! It's hard to believe a strange, and not necessarily nice, guy like myself can be so lucky.
But I donn't know, I just don't know... I feel my youth is ending swiftly, I feel as though the devil has come for me.... I feel as though I have squandered my time to be young. I will try to sleep on it, and do what I need to do in the morning. I know that to an extent I was wronged, but I also clearly see my sins in painful reget... pray for me brothers, I love you bastards.