Baldness, And My 8-year Relationship With My Girlfriend..

razzmatazz91

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Fair warning, this might be a long one boyos!
I feel this is the only place where I can speak my heart.... the only safe place for m to come and share my thoughts.. my clear honest thoughts, and hear what you guys have to say. I welcome your comments, I welcome your advice. For myself, I have this advice to give you: Live your life to the best of your ability. Don't keep telling yourself that when you have your hair troubles sorted, you will go out in the world..... don't just 'ldar'. Yeah, you may be bald and ugly.... but do something. Do anything...... you are going to die! Live, before it is time to die! It's your sacred responsibility to yourself.



Background:
I am an Indian dude, in India, aged 28 (the significance of me being in my home country is that I'm not affected by racism, whether social or sexual). Before I starting balding noticable balding at age 22, before I shaved my head at age 23 (it's been ashaved ever since, though I have tried treatments), before all of this hair loss horseshit, I had a bit of a tough life. I had some medical issues as a child which led to rejection by peers, I had extremely low self-esteem, and never really developed any confidence. There was an instance of sexual assault (which no one knows about to this day..) involved. In short, it was bad. Very bad

Fast-forward to college, and all the medical issues were pretty much gone, but the psychological effects remained. They remain to this day. It was quite awful..... I lived about two decades of my life believing I'm a burden on my family. In college ths manifested in me not buying books, sleeping hungry, never going out (and therefore almost never hitting on women). It was, in all honesty, quite bad.

My Relationship:
At 19, still in college, I met a girl - one year my senior - who seemed quite interested in me. I was all ga-ga over her too, tbh. At least in the beginning. I started dating her after a year. She isn't all that hot.... not the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, and my friends would often tell me I could do better. I had an immature relationship with the girl at the start, and was very emotionally involved... as you are at that age, I guess. All through this, I have been terrifyingly attracted to other women. Well, I guess everyone is! But my greatest regret is... I never really tried. I just kept telling myself that I had plenty of time. I stayed with this girl because of my poor self-esteem, because I felt I couldn't do better. How can you love, when you hate yourself too much to even buy food until you are positively starving?

Baldness:
At 22, it was clear that I was diffusing. I shaved my head, and thought I could carry it. I can barely carry it, to be honest, but I feel and look very sub-human. Women who might give me time of day started ignoring me, and I started realizing - for the first time in my life - how much looks really mattered. I tried minoxidil, I took finasteride.... I tried some other sh*t... and finally researched hair transplants. My heart finally sank last year... I guess mid-2018, when I realized that I am too far gone to ever get a hair transplant. Professionally, I am not doing too well, but I feel I still have some potential. But I'm never going to be able to have a half-decent FUT.

I looked into therapy. But in India, you are hard-pressed to find anything worthwhile. I got put on drugs for my depression, but not much really changed.

During the past five "Bald Years", I have dated this girl off-and-on. Mostly 'on'. Whenever I tried to tell myself I want to do better (and I did, honestly), I just felt weak and scared. Who the hell was going to date an insecure ugly f*** like me? I've always put myself down, and wallowed in quite a bit of self pity, which I strongly regret. I kept lurking the "new treatments forum for almost two years, and kept telling myself that I might make it..... and then I will go out in the world and make something of myself. I feel I should have tried... at least tried, even if I would fail. It's unfortunate to be so ugly that no woman wants you. It is far, far worse to never try. I feel that obtaining some kind of 'sexual satisfaction', at least sleep with a couple of women (sorry if this sounds scummy, but this is what young guys think, and rightly so). Instead, I just stayed with this girl.... some sex, and it is good.... but ... but I don't know! I think because of my rather tough childhood, I have it in my mind that I'm not a "real man" yet.... and high-value men are those who live their lives on their own terms... and often on their own. They marry when thay want, and they have plenty of options.

On the other hand, though the girl herself had a slightly below-average self-esteem, she honestly loves me, it's too plain and obvious for anyone to fail to notice. She is so mad about me that she fought her parent's pressure to marry her off for the past two years (remember, this is India).

Today:
I am 28. My girlfriend is 29. She will be 30 in May ofnext year. She is under pressure from her parents to get married.... and that pressure is now on me. I have been asked - quite plainly - by the girl, and my own mother, to give a final answer by tomorrow.... so that it can be communicated to the girl's parents whether I will marry her or not.

I feel torn. She loves me.... I like her (yes, I notice the difference). I feel I could marry this girl... though I'm not thrilled about it. I wonder, if I yet say no..... what then? who is going to want me then???
I am panicking too damn much. And most of it is psychological..... most of it is regret: Could I have said "yes" confidently, if I had slept around in the previous years? Could I have found someone better? Would I have been happier with myself if I slept around? Would I be less resentful and unhappy with myself? Do I really need to be free anymore? Does it make any sense??
I am immature, poorly developed and socialized. I know that. But I don't know what to do...... this girl... is not all that hot, I' not mad about her... but she is a f*****g unicorn. She loves me to the point of madness at this point, even after eight f*****g years! It's hard to believe a strange, and not necessarily nice, guy like myself can be so lucky.

But I donn't know, I just don't know... I feel my youth is ending swiftly, I feel as though the devil has come for me.... I feel as though I have squandered my time to be young. I will try to sleep on it, and do what I need to do in the morning. I know that to an extent I was wronged, but I also clearly see my sins in painful reget... pray for me brothers, I love you bastards.
 

whatintheworld

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"Live your life to the best of your ability. Don't keep telling yourself that when you have your hair troubles sorted, you will go out in the world..... don't just 'ldar'. Yeah, you may be bald and ugly.... but do something. Do anything...... you are going to die! Live, before it is time to die! It's your sacred responsibility to yourself."

Wise words, don't give up man we're pulling for you.
 

spring15

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Have you lived outside of India at some point? You have native English literacy & seem to be quite aware of the difference of cultures between Indian & Western.

Anyway I've kind of been in your situation, girl was head over heels for me & the feelings weren't mutual, she was my first serious girlfriend. I broke it off with her after 3 & a half years, which I'm glad I did. Since then I've just had flings & short term girlfriends which is fine with me.

I personally would rather be alone than with someone I'm not 100% committed to
 

karatekid

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Well Im not familiar with your culture, how you date / meet girls / live your life there or whatever, but if it was me, I wouldnt marry her. I think no good will come out of it, if you marry her just because you afraid you wont find anybody else.
And also, dont be too fool to fall for her "mad love" for you, and how she is all over you right now, girls are often behave like that until marriage, and then flip in seconds after you are married. I heard those stuff happen too much. no idea if they do it consciously or subconsciously.
 

justinbieberscombover

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Well Im not familiar with your culture, how you date / meet girls / live your life there or whatever, but if it was me, I wouldnt marry her. I think no good will come out of it, if you marry her just because you afraid you wont find anybody else.
And also, dont be too fool to fall for her "mad love" for you, and how she is all over you right now, girls are often behave like that until marriage, and then flip in seconds after you are married. I heard those stuff happen too much. no idea if they do it consciously or subconsciously.
She can probably sense that he's uncertain about her which makes her more interested in him, in return. That's life.
 

stachu

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Uhh... f*****g hard decision. If she loves you, what more you need?
 

karatekid

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Uhh... f*****g hard decision. If she loves you, what more you need?
lmao. That is all that required? someone who loves you? You just have very low standards , and project your self low value on others.

It's like when you hear about some pretty girl that got dumped, and all kinds of morons say "who is the idiot that dumped her??" Maybe someone that can get better girls?? how can people be so damn self focused...
 

karatekid

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She can probably sense that he's uncertain about her which makes her more interested in him, in return. That's life.
Maybe, I know it's a thing. But I dont know if that's life, I personaly cant relate to this kind of behavior at all, and dont even understand the motive for it.
 

razzmatazz91

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"Live your life to the best of your ability. Don't keep telling yourself that when you have your hair troubles sorted, you will go out in the world..... don't just 'ldar'. Yeah, you may be bald and ugly.... but do something. Do anything...... you are going to die! Live, before it is time to die! It's your sacred responsibility to yourself."

Wise words, don't give up man we're pulling for you.
Thanks man!

Have you lived outside of India at some point? You have native English literacy & seem to be quite aware of the difference of cultures between Indian & Western.

Anyway I've kind of been in your situation, girl was head over heels for me & the feelings weren't mutual, she was my first serious girlfriend. I broke it off with her after 3 & a half years, which I'm glad I did. Since then I've just had flings & short term girlfriends which is fine with me.

I personally would rather be alone than with someone I'm not 100% committed to
Nope, I've always lived here. I should have gone out, but depression, self-hate and finaly, baldness.... I didn't really put in the work in my earlier years. I'm not far in my career at the moment, and I need a few years to feel more comfortable...

You're lucky if you can get girls... I'm not sure about that myself, though I didn't really try as hard as I should have. I guess I have a lot of regret.
Well Im not familiar with your culture, how you date / meet girls / live your life there or whatever, but if it was me, I wouldnt marry her. I think no good will come out of it, if you marry her just because you afraid you wont find anybody else.
And also, dont be too fool to fall for her "mad love" for you, and how she is all over you right now, girls are often behave like that until marriage, and then flip in seconds after you are married. I heard those stuff happen too much. no idea if they do it consciously or subconsciously.
That's a bit scary, but dude.... I've known this chick for ages! I guess I can understand that she really does love me.
Yeah, she's panicking because she isn't married... and she will be happy and relaxed once she is, but still.
That's a tough decision. My only advice is don't confuse love and lust. You've known this girl a long time, you must care about her to still be with her. If you found someone hotter it would be fun for a while, but the lust and infatuation will fade faster than you think, and it won't have any lasting meaning to you. It sounds like you're less afraid of marrying her than you are of missing out on something else. The grass is always greener on the other side.

"It sounds like you're less afraid of marrying her than you are of missing out on something else."

Yes.... I guess that's a major, MAJOR part of what's going on in my mind...
I'm somewhat young, and I want to feel like a young guy. I want to sleep with a few women... I'm not sure if sacrificing that potential for sowing wild oats (not sure if I have much potential in that area though) is worth it.
 

razzmatazz91

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She can probably sense that he's uncertain about her which makes her more interested in him, in return. That's life.
Agreed.
If I was running after her all these years, she might not have been that attracted to me.

Though it's not something I did on purpose... I was genuinely interested in a hundred other things than the girl. Different for her though.
 

Wolf Pack

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Tough, man. You've suffered a lot and carry some of the scars. Your thought process shows you've learnt a lot which will serve you well. I think you would make her happy for sure but that's not the question. Question is will your other desire(s) be fulfilled now and will they lead to happiness? You can't look back now, only the present and future count so be realistic about your physical and mental position and the girls around you. Or will you ultimately be happier with her? As someone said it could be simply seeing the grass as greener on the other side. If you're honest with her and she still wants you, nothing wrong in that.

Personally I think, a break is important and you can see how exploring the other side is. Then, decide one way or another what to do. I know this would hurt her but committing without really feeling it for whatever reason is worse for her in the long run.

I had a slightly similar situation before but I had an understanding girl and also I had dated around unlike you. In the end I decided to be with my high school sweetheart and have a family. I always loved her incredibly (that's the difference from your story) but I wanted everything in the sense of being free to continue to explore other options (similar part with you). I loved new girls being into me and chasing, teasing them, short term thrills like any lad. I was torn and knew both can't exist together. However, luckily for me, I was offered the option to let her go if I ever wanted to. Her love would have made that sacrifice for me even after a child and that in itself ended my desire because this was her saying it. I've had it said to me before but the words from someone I grew up with and who taught me so much, were final as far as I was concerned. I was being selfish and rejecting a soulmate away who is fun, intelligent, selfless, understands me on a deeper level - for short term thrills. Sure when I still see a new girl into me, like any man I do think a little, but I don't care anymore and am more interested in my family next to me. She always tells me don't make it worse you pig as a joke and is the first to give stares back :p True meaning in life is what pushed through for me.

You have some thinking to do, weigh up both sides, wish you well :) Remember the mother of your child will become even more special to you or should do!

She can probably sense that he's uncertain about her which makes her more interested in him, in return. That's life.

I think it helps like 5% but overplayed in PUA circles. A girl invested in a guy who is also attractive and settled in all areas, will always crave him in every way. It's only guys who mainly want to screw everything excluding the broken girls who are looking for a certain man and keep trying.

A guy who doesn't have much going for him will be dismissed if he doesn't play ball in a relationship, unless the girl is even lower status.
 

swingline747

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if youre not ready to be married, then youre not ready and the good relationship you have with her will rapidly go away. tell her youre not ready, she might only be madly in love with you because she doesnt want to get married off to some stranger. you are HER backup plan just the same. You could always be honest and tell her you will marry her to help her but you arent 100% interested in being in the full married relationship with her and maybe you both still do your own thing. just dont have kids.
 

Exodus2011

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man thats depressing dude. reminds me of the ugly trashy girls i've seen with bald dudes i know. id rather stay incel tbh. its extra shameful to be ugly and get with another ugly
 

karatekid

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man thats depressing dude. reminds me of the ugly trashy girls i've seen with bald dudes i know. id rather stay incel tbh. its extra shameful to be ugly and get with another ugly
You dont have to show those girls to people, just f*** them and keep it secretly
 
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