"Somebody asked me recently what it is I'm most proud of. 'That's
easy,' I beamed. 'It would be the way I've adjusted to baldness.' I'm
a bald man who is way out there. No toupees, no hats, no beards. Just
totally unvarnished, unabashed bald. One of an ever-increasing
minority of bald men who have chosen to do nothing.
"When true bald men meet, they have an immediate connection. Bald men
love other bald men. There's a bonding that takes place on some deep
level that you never get with anyone else. We've been through it. We
live with it. We've read the surveys -- the ones in which 75 percent
of women say they would not date a bald man. Think of it. That's why,
when a bald guy gets the girl, we know we've got a woman of substance.
Which is not to say that the typical bald man has any substance. The
average bald man, for example, has the same superficial standards for
women as the guy with hair. That's why we have to have a little more
going for us than the hair man. We have to dress a little better, make
a little more money, and have a little more charm just to compete. And
we do. Have a conversation with a bald man sometime. Go ahead. Do
yourself a favor. Tell me you don't walk away impressed. That your
day was not made a little richer by virtue of the fact that you were in
Bald's presence."
"But the bald man who doesn't make the effort to compensate for his
baldness is in trouble. The last thing the bald man needs is to get
lazy. A lazy bald man is done. Show me a lazy bald man, and I'll show
you a miserable bald man. The lazy bald man who needs a shave and goes
out in sweatpants and a T-shirt might as well hang it up. That's not
how we compete in the hair world. I say to the lazy bald man that he's
making it harder for the rest of us.
"The bearded bald man annoys me. That's not a proud bald man. That's
a bald guy who's trying to enhance. He wants to deflect attention away
from the head to the chin. It's subtle, but the message is the same:
I'm bald and I don't like it. Most of my contempt, however, is
reserved for the bald men who wear the cap. They must be kidding.
They walk around with their baseball caps on, hair sticking out in the
back, and, yes, they look good. People are always telling bald men how
good they look in hats. Of course they do. Why wouldn't they? But
what happens when they take that cap off? Have you ever seen the looks
on people's faces when the bald man takes the cap off? They're
dumbfounded. And the cap will come off. That's a given. Say you meet
a woman in the park with your hat on. You walk her home. You call her
up for a date -- now what, bald man? Are going to wear the hat on the
date? What do you intend to do? You've got a dilemma. You made your
first mistake by going out with the hat. You think she's going to like
it when you show up at her door with your chrome? What she's going to
be is disappointed that you misrepresented yourself. You've tried to
come off as a hair guy. You've lied, bald man."
"There's a new bald man in our midst. He's chosen to shave the little
hair that he has down to a little stubble, a style last employed by
Nazi barbers. Others shave it off -- the theory being that no hair is
better than some hair. Again, more tricks, more gimmicks.
"But neither hats nor beards hold a candle to toupees. How could
anyone have respect for bald men if they go to such ridiculous lengths?
That's why hair guys are so condescending toward us. We're jokes to
them. We're not taken seriously. If a hair guy has a girlfriend, he's
not threatened by a bald man. He doesn't mind if his girlfriend has a
platonic bald man in her life. He's not worried. 'Come on in, bald
man, make yourself at home.' Nothing ever gave me more pleasure than
the time I took a woman away from a hair guy. 'How did he do it? I
didn't think...' Yeah, while you were taking me for granted, hair man,
I was platonicking my way right past you. You won't make that mistake
again. He thought it was O.K. for me to be up in the apartment,
hanging out, watching T.V. -- with him right there! Can you believe
the temerity?! Can you imagine a bald man letting his girlfriend have
a platonic relationship with a Hair? Wouldn't, couldn't happen. They
don't get near Hair. And alone with Hair? Never.
"I do have a theory (I admit its self-serving) that the bald man is the
better lover. First, you have the appreciation factor. The bald man
is so thrilled to actually be in bed with a woman that he'll do
anything and everything, and all with tremendous gusto. And, of
course, there's the testosterone. We've got it in spades. That's why
we went bald in the first place."
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