I Accidentally Found Out My Brother Is Gay And Dont Know What To Do (he Doesnt Know I Know)

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g.i joey

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I wont write a novel on this but basically we were facetiming my sister who was in hawaii with her husband and daughter and while i was talking to my niece on facetime (we were using his phone) i see a Grindr notification pop up, i quickly pretended to have an itch on my neck so that i had a reason to look away while he could close the notification. I acted like nothing happened and so did he, but i did notice him get kind of red, but we both played it off pretty casually.

Ive always joked around with my mom about my brother being gay and to be honest i always thought his lack of pursuing woman was finasteride driven and that maybe 8 years on the drug took a toll on him and his sex drive, but i seem to be seriously mistaken. But now that i really sit back and analyze our childhood there were definitely implications of this issue and i remember my sister using it to insult him when they got into a huge fight a couple years ago.

I seriously dont know who to share this with, spoke to a couple girls who dont know me enough to have it get around to my brother and im getting both mixed suggestions, bring it up to him or just let him do it when hes ready. Havent been able to bring it up with friends as i found this out late last night and only plan to tell 2 or 3 close ones. Either way i dont care if my brother is gay i genuinely feel bad that hes spent 30 years of his life hiding something that isnt really considered a "minor issue" especiallyt considering were from an oldschool italian upbringing.

so what do you guys think? Ive been thinking i should bring this up with my mother, sit her down and tell her but at the same time i feel maybe he wants to come out and tell her and i dont wanna take that away from him. I know this is COMPLETELYYYT off topic but i really need some help on this. What do you guys think i should do?
 
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g.i joey

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Patrick_Bateman said:
What the f***. Why do you plan to out your brother to your close friends?? Let the man come out when he decides to, the worst thing you can do is let everyone know that he's gay without him knowing.
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What does it really change if i tell people i can confide in? Were talking people he has no personal relationship with, i dont wanna attack him with a claim, but i definitely feel like he needs to talk about it, and potentially might WANT to talk about it. Im just not really sure how i should go about it
 
kj6723

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Yeah man, I wouldn't tell your mom about it either, I feel like that's really not your place.

It might be cathartic for him to have you open up about what you saw and give him a chance to release this burden, but don't push too hard
 
CaptainForehead

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g.i joey said:
What does it really change if i tell people i can confide in? Were talking people he has no personal relationship with,
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Doesn't matter, you don't reveal personal information to other people without the person's consent. The only exception is on a forum like this where even you are incognito.

I also agree with @OldnBald, your bro strongly suspects you saw the popup and is freaked out over it. If I were you I'd just let him know that you know, and you're there if he ever wants to talk about it; and then shut up. No talk with the mom or your wife or GF or best buddy.
 
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Dante92

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He's surely lucky to have such a brother, no doubt.

How could you even think of doing such a thing to your own brother? Can you even imagine what he has gone through? How it feels like to be that afraid and paranoid of what your own family and friends could tell or do to you? Do you even care?

You make me sick.
 
Marky

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g.i joey said:
I wont write a novel on this but basically we were facetiming my sister who was in hawaii with her husband and daughter and while i was talking to my niece on facetime (we were using his phone) i see a Grindr notification pop up, i quickly pretended to have an itch on my neck so that i had a reason to look away while he could close the notification. I acted like nothing happened and so did he, but i did notice him get kind of red, but we both played it off pretty casually.

Ive always joked around with my mom about my brother being gay and to be honest i always thought his lack of pursuing woman was finasteride driven and that maybe 8 years on the drug took a toll on him and his sex drive, but i seem to be seriously mistaken. But now that i really sit back and analyze our childhood there were definitely implications of this issue and i remember my sister using it to insult him when they got into a huge fight a couple years ago.

I seriously dont know who to share this with, spoke to a couple girls who dont know me enough to have it get around to my brother and im getting both mixed suggestions, bring it up to him or just let him do it when hes ready. Havent been able to bring it up with friends as i found this out late last night and only plan to tell 2 or 3 close ones. Either way i dont care if my brother is gay i genuinely feel bad that hes spent 30 years of his life hiding something that isnt really considered a "minor issue" especiallyt considering were from an oldschool italian upbringing.

so what do you guys think? Ive been thinking i should bring this up with my mother, sit her down and tell her but at the same time i feel maybe he wants to come out and tell her and i dont wanna take that away from him. I know this is COMPLETELYYYT off topic but i really need some help on this. What do you guys think i should do?
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You need guidance spiritually. Your bro needs to stick close to God and properly educate himself on homosexuality - please dont look to misguided info from LGBTQ, they will have him in ginch and marching in a parade before you know it. Look to Courage:

https://couragerc.org/
 
DoctorHouse

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You probably don't realize this but your brother may be struggling with the same issue you are right now. He needs to decide if he needs to come clean too or actually come out to you. I am sure he knows you saw the pop up notification but he does not know how to handle this with you. If you want to avoid putting both of you through some awkwardness and give both of you some peace of mind over this, you should just tell him what you saw and ask him if there is something he wants to tell you. I would not involve your mom just yet. I can tell you that your brother is lucky that you are respectful enough to do what you did for him because my brother would never do such a thing.
 
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g.i joey

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I don't get why I'm being attacked as if I exposed or called him out for being gay, aside from @Dante92 weekly accumulation of sand in his vagina, I don't get why others are implying that telling a friend I can trust is a big deal?

Although I do agree it's not my place to tell my mother or any of my family if they haven't realized for 30 years now. Upon reflection I'm about 80% sure my sister knows and probably has for a while now. I'm gonna let it breathe for a bit but I may bring it up with him
When we're alone in the car or something. Either way I don't care, he can do whatever makes him happy, it's just a curve ball that came out of nowhere, thinking it jokingly is one thing, but seeing cold hard facts is another.
 
CaptainForehead

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Marky

Marky

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g.i joey said:
I don't get why I'm being attacked as if I exposed or called him out for being gay, aside from @Dante92 weekly accumulation of sand in his vagina, I don't get why others are implying that telling a friend I can trust is a big deal?

Although I do agree it's not my place to tell my mother or any of my family if they haven't realized for 30 years now. Upon reflection I'm about 80% sure my sister knows and probably has for a while now. I'm gonna let it breathe for a bit but I may bring it up with him
When we're alone in the car or something. Either way I don't care, he can do whatever makes him happy, it's just a curve ball that came out of nowhere, thinking it jokingly is one thing, but seeing cold hard facts is another.
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Just saying do some research on ex-gays or former LGBTQ. I knew i would be attacked here, truth never makes you popular at the cocktail party.
You must save your brother from a life of hardship
 
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