Stabber
Established Member
- Reaction score
- 3
It's a friday night and I'm home...again.
I spent a few hours looking at old pictures of me. I've wasted so many years of my life. I keep folders of pictures I took (of myself) on my computer. Some date back to 2002.
As I look at them, I'm watching my youth grow up and leave me , right in front of my eyes. I'm not sure, but I don't think this is the proper way to live one's life. But I can't help but live like I have a video recorder taped on my forehead, I over-analyze everything. I have to go back and see when things went wrong...but I can't seem to find that point.
I've always dealt with anxiety/ocd/self-esteem issues since I was young. I don't talk about it with my friends or anyone uneducated about the matter. Mainly because they automatically classify you in the "manic depressive" "bipolar" or "schizo" category, which is far from what I think I am.
So I'm left with only talking to a small group of people. My family, who think I'm making everything up. My dr, who always has a prescription in hand ready to drug me with, and this board. So far, this board has been the only one to understand everything I'm going through. The hairloss thing was kind of a nail in the coffin for me. It hit me at an already low point in my life. And has done all it can to ensure I stay there.
2 weeks ago I found a stray kitten that seemed to take my mind off everything. It took weeks for it to be comfortable around me. I started off slowly, feeding it and then talking to it. Until it became comfortable with my voice. Then started petting it when it was near me. Just last night, it let me pick it up for the first time. It stayed on my lap and kept looking up at me, kind of terrified. But it stayed and acted the part nonetheless. This kitten reminds me very much of myself. Lonely, lost...and most of all submissive. I can't imagine what it must have been like for this thing. Barely a few weeks old, alone in a strange, cold and noisy place. With nothing but predators.
I think the remainder of my years will be spent away from most other humans. They usually have no regard for anyone's feelings, are too superficial or always shitting on someone else, to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities. I don't have to worry about an animal noticing my balding. Or looking at my hairline and quickly looking away when I catch them. Or snickering when I walk by. Animals don't care if you're bald, or you're shy, or you don't have a lot of money. In this godforsaken city I live in, I think it's the only other living thing that understands me.
I spent a few hours looking at old pictures of me. I've wasted so many years of my life. I keep folders of pictures I took (of myself) on my computer. Some date back to 2002.
As I look at them, I'm watching my youth grow up and leave me , right in front of my eyes. I'm not sure, but I don't think this is the proper way to live one's life. But I can't help but live like I have a video recorder taped on my forehead, I over-analyze everything. I have to go back and see when things went wrong...but I can't seem to find that point.
I've always dealt with anxiety/ocd/self-esteem issues since I was young. I don't talk about it with my friends or anyone uneducated about the matter. Mainly because they automatically classify you in the "manic depressive" "bipolar" or "schizo" category, which is far from what I think I am.
So I'm left with only talking to a small group of people. My family, who think I'm making everything up. My dr, who always has a prescription in hand ready to drug me with, and this board. So far, this board has been the only one to understand everything I'm going through. The hairloss thing was kind of a nail in the coffin for me. It hit me at an already low point in my life. And has done all it can to ensure I stay there.
2 weeks ago I found a stray kitten that seemed to take my mind off everything. It took weeks for it to be comfortable around me. I started off slowly, feeding it and then talking to it. Until it became comfortable with my voice. Then started petting it when it was near me. Just last night, it let me pick it up for the first time. It stayed on my lap and kept looking up at me, kind of terrified. But it stayed and acted the part nonetheless. This kitten reminds me very much of myself. Lonely, lost...and most of all submissive. I can't imagine what it must have been like for this thing. Barely a few weeks old, alone in a strange, cold and noisy place. With nothing but predators.
I think the remainder of my years will be spent away from most other humans. They usually have no regard for anyone's feelings, are too superficial or always shitting on someone else, to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities. I don't have to worry about an animal noticing my balding. Or looking at my hairline and quickly looking away when I catch them. Or snickering when I walk by. Animals don't care if you're bald, or you're shy, or you don't have a lot of money. In this godforsaken city I live in, I think it's the only other living thing that understands me.
I don't know what to do...it gets me so mad it brings a tear to my eye. Sometimes I just wanna say F THIS and shave it all off...but then I start thinking that even less will grow back, get scared and chicken out. 
