A Page From A Depressed Man's Diary (#venting)

[razzmatazz91]

I'm sharing a page i wrote in my journal/diary today.
I write sometimes, when thoughts come together in a coherent way in my mind and actually make sense. Most of the times, I'm too depressed to even bother.

I'm not exactly sure yet why I am sharing this. Maybe I just want to vent. Maybe because I see a mental breakthrough happening. Maybe because I want to see if I can get any advice from you guys. Maybe because I just feel too damn alone.

Here it is (with explanations in parenthesis):

"My breakthroughs came too late.
I did wake up to the fact that I shouldn't just keep seeking approval, and take my hair/life into my own hands. (When I started balding, I felt guilty that I was being "vain", and constantly believed that people around me were "just better/superior than me", and that I needed to be like them. So, for a long time, I didn't get on finasteride... though I did use minoxidil).

But by the time I could break out of all the horror in my own head and even decide to do something, the game was over.
I am irretrievably lost.

But I must remind myself that I have lived a horrifying life for years and years, and even, after having grown up, struggled with its effects. Since I was a child, I have hated myself, have always lived in anxiety and confusion, and my self-esteem has been at rock-bottom level. I've loathed myself so much that as a student, I didn't buy books with my parent's money, and spent many nights hungry, because I believed I didn't deserve even food.

Because of this, I can conclude that my actions over the last three years of my hair loss journey are not my fault. (Starting finasteride too late, and finally refusing to feel the guilt of wanting a hair transplant - and being vain - only to find I am a NW6/7 diffuse with retrograde alopecia). It isn't my fault because I was not fighting only hair loss, I was also fighting demons.... and I lost.

While I understand that I must carry the pain all through my life, I can at least look at myself in the mirror with some compassion - because it is not all my fault."

 

[MorningGlory]

I can’t help but view these types of posts as forms of virtue signalling, i.e. “look at my suffering”. There’s no way all of those problems (assuming they’re not exaggerated) were caused simply by hairloss. I don’t think you can find the help you probably need on this forum.

 

[razzmatazz91]

I can’t help but view these types of posts as forms of virtue signalling, i.e. “look at my suffering”. There’s no way all of those problems (assuming they’re not exaggerated) were caused simply by hairloss. I don’t think you can find the help you probably need on this forum.

No... it's not a "look at my suffering post".
Just felt like I'd share something on here for once... Sometimes, I think even I need to vent a bit.

Yeah, my problems are not exaggerated, and they existed long before hair loss.

Unfortunately, I've faced problems.
But for once in my life, I'm faced with a problem without a solution..

 

[MorningGlory]

No... it's not a "look at my suffering post".
Just felt like I'd share something on here for once... Sometimes, I think even I need to vent a bit.

Yeah, my problems are not exaggerated, and they existed long before hair loss.

Unfortunately, I've faced problems.
But for once in my life, I'm faced with a problem without a solution..

But if you’ve failed to resolve your pre-hairloss problems it’s debatable whether you’ve found a solution for those either.

 

[Trichosan]

I read somewhere once that some people are genetically predisposed to be happy. I believe there are those who must endure the opposite of that makeup. I've seen it in my own son. And despite great expense and time, little has been accomplished to solve the problem. His other two siblings with identical upbringing had no issues. It was really heartbreaking for us to see an extremely high IQ and good looking boy go through mental anguish over nothing. Good God! He's even NW0! Depression is real and its effects, unhealthy, mentally and physically. Counseling/therapy based on neuroplasticity would be my suggestion in your case razz. I wish I could offer more.

 

[razzmatazz91]

But if you’ve failed to resolve your pre-hairloss problems it’s debatable whether you’ve found a solution for those either.

Failed to?
Well, I guess that's one way of looking at it. I wouldn't know how to explain it either.

Anyone with experience with physical and sexual abuse in single-digit age, (which continued several years for me) shouldn't be working on finding "solutions" IMHO. But yeah, I'm not just going to roll over and die man.

 

[razzmatazz91]

I read somewhere once that some people are genetically predisposed to be happy. I believe there are those who must endure the opposite of that makeup. I've seen it in my own son. And despite great expense and time, little has been accomplished to solve the problem. His other two siblings with identical upbringing had no issues. It was really heartbreaking for us to see an extremely high IQ and good looking boy go through mental anguish over nothing. Good God! He's even NW0! Depression is real and its effects, unhealthy, mentally and physically. Counseling/therapy based on neuroplasticity would be my suggestion in your case razz. I wish I could offer more.

Thanks man. And sorry to hear about your boy.

Some people are most definitely predisposed to depression. I don't know if I am one of them, or whether it is only because of my childhood that I wound up in this.
I'm not sure if there is a co-relation with IQ though. I have an IQ of 137, so I'm not a genius or anything, but definitely above average.

 

[Calchas]

But for once in my life, I'm faced with a problem without a solution..

I'm fighting two battles i cannot win,too.
So,what do i do?
Acceptance and moving forward with life?
But life can't move forward with these two issues unresolved.
A lifeless life is the only thing i'm left with,i suppose.

 

[razzmatazz91]

I'm fighting two battles i cannot win,too.
So,what do i do?
Acceptance and moving forward with life?
But life can't move forward with these two issues unresolved.
A lifeless life is the only thing i'm left with,i suppose.

For once, I know exactly what someone is saying.
I'm sorry man.... I feel that way too. Move forward? To what?

I live one day at a time, but it is getting hard.

 

[Calchas]

For once, I know exactly what someone is saying.
I'm sorry man.... I feel that way too. Move forward? To what?

I live one day at a time, but it is getting hard.

Sometimes i just wish that i would simply lose my mind and forget about life.
I watch documentaries with schizophrenics and somehow i envy them...They seem so immune to reality.
Other times,i just wish i was a careless normie,having fun with stupid conversations,listening to boring music and living life in Auto Mode.

 

[razzmatazz91]

Sometimes i just wish that i would simply lose my mind and forget about life.
I watch documentaries with schizophrenics and somehow i envy them...They seem so immune to reality.
Other times,i just wish i was a careless normie,having fun with stupid conversations,listening to boring music and living life in Auto Mode.

Watch a couple of Jordan Peterson Videos every now and then.

He's a smart guy who seems to have an honest take on life when one is depressed and actually afflicted by some problems.
Can't say it's all you need... and sometimes he just drops the truth bomb by saying things like "bear your cross". I think what he means is that your life will not be good, no matter what you do, but if you live responsibly, you can minimize the pain, and maybe, just maybe, see a point in living.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

I can’t help but view these types of posts as forms of virtue signalling, i.e. “look at my suffering”. There’s no way all of those problems (assuming they’re not exaggerated) were caused simply by hairloss. I don’t think you can find the help you probably need on this forum.

Baldness by itself is not sufficient to ruin a man's life, but it can be a pretty severe setback if you already have problems.

I myself have a lot of problems that I was trying to handle, and I was not a chad with hair. When I started receding, I thought to myself, "oh sh*t, not this too."

Most of this forum's users would still have problems even if baldness was cured tomorrow, with a cheap, permanent treatment that is side-effect free. However, in the meantime, it's a significant additional problem to have.

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

Thanks man. And sorry to hear about your boy.

Some people are most definitely predisposed to depression. I don't know if I am one of them, or whether it is only because of my childhood that I wound up in this.
I'm not sure if there is a co-relation with IQ though. I have an IQ of 137, so I'm not a genius or anything, but definitely above average.

137 is very high.

If we line up 1,000 people, only ~7 of them will be smarter than you are.
https://statistics.laerd.com/statistical-guides/normal-distribution-calculations.php

 

[Afro_Vacancy]

I'm sharing a page i wrote in my journal/diary today.
I write sometimes, when thoughts come together in a coherent way in my mind and actually make sense. Most of the times, I'm too depressed to even bother.

I'm not exactly sure yet why I am sharing this. Maybe I just want to vent. Maybe because I see a mental breakthrough happening. Maybe because I want to see if I can get any advice from you guys. Maybe because I just feel too damn alone.

Here it is (with explanations in parenthesis):

"My breakthroughs came too late.
I did wake up to the fact that I shouldn't just keep seeking approval, and take my hair/life into my own hands. (When I started balding, I felt guilty that I was being "vain", and constantly believed that people around me were "just better/superior than me", and that I needed to be like them. So, for a long time, I didn't get on finasteride... though I did use minoxidil).

But by the time I could break out of all the horror in my own head and even decide to do something, the game was over.
I am irretrievably lost.

But I must remind myself that I have lived a horrifying life for years and years, and even, after having grown up, struggled with its effects. Since I was a child, I have hated myself, have always lived in anxiety and confusion, and my self-esteem has been at rock-bottom level. I've loathed myself so much that as a student, I didn't buy books with my parent's money, and spent many nights hungry, because I believed I didn't deserve even food.

Because of this, I can conclude that my actions over the last three years of my hair loss journey are not my fault. (Starting finasteride too late, and finally refusing to feel the guilt of wanting a hair transplant - and being vain - only to find I am a NW6/7 diffuse with retrograde alopecia). It isn't my fault because I was not fighting only hair loss, I was also fighting demons.... and I lost.

While I understand that I must carry the pain all through my life, I can at least look at myself in the mirror with some compassion - because it is not all my fault."

I hope that you find the energy and will to focus on other parts of life.

Are you the guy who fired his therapist because he didn't like being told to focus on success? Well, you need success either way.

 

[MorningGlory]

Watch a couple of Jordan Peterson Videos every now and then.

He's a smart guy who seems to have an honest take on life when one is depressed and actually afflicted by some problems.
Can't say it's all you need... and sometimes he just drops the truth bomb by saying things like "bear your cross". I think what he means is that your life will not be good, no matter what you do, but if you live responsibly, you can minimize the pain, and maybe, just maybe, see a point in living.

Jordan Peterson also says that too many people living in the west are resentful and ungrateful. He’s right in many ways, and SJW culture is largely a product of this.

Peterson is also a rather troubled man himself. So whilst his words are worth considering, he’s not the all-knowing saviour some hold him up as.

 

[razzmatazz91]

I hope that you find the energy and will to focus on other parts of life.

Are you the guy who fired his therapist because he didn't like being told to focus on success? Well, you need success either way.

Thanks. But, as you already know, unhappiness - no matter where it comes from - affects all other areas of life. And with a poor quality of life no matter what I do, I find that I almost never have any drive to do anything.

Lol,, no, I didn't fire my therapist or anything. I just lost hope in therapy. Maybe that's because of a lack of good quality medical treatment here in India. Most therapists here will just blame you for letting hair loss bother you.

Edit: Yeah, I am the guy who commented about my therapist asking me to chase success. I didn't get put off by being told to chase success, but by the fact that other people's problems (even his own clients) were totally invisible to him.

 

[Japnicks India]

OP its ok to vent out your frustration somewhere, and honestly no one is lurking here for sympathy. Rather everyone wants to be “anon” here.

1.Yes i’m balding(diffuser, alopecia areata and retrograde maybe)no one in my family is bald & this fact makes me stressed. Developing social anxiety. But i feel my baldness cannot make me stop from following my ambitions, because i don’t want to be a loser on all aspect of life.

2.I met two indians from this forum, 7-10 years elder to me and third one is you. Both of them slick bald, and they told me on phone that even they had these issues and later in life, they regret for not socialising as they themselves cut their connection from the world. Now they are alone & bald.
Though one person resorted to wear a toupee & looks smart af.
He suggested me toupee, check out heydecke on youtube and i was like wow its so natural.

3.Sadly there are no support groups in india If you visit a psychiatrist he’ll simply put you on anti depressants. You won’t find someone to council you.

Since you’ve resorted to your diary, i’d request you to find atleast one person to cry about your miseries. You’ll start gaining confidence, if you hold on this feeling, its like a quick sand. These feelings are like weights.

Initially i thought this forum is my support group but it is not, some people disappear, some are overly enthusiast, some are NW0 with negative thoughts, and some take whatever the f*** that grows hair on top even if its harming them.
I visit here for the brotzu lotion, which is more like trolls, and speculation.

 

[Cue Bald]

i wish i was indian or pakistani because at least then you will get an arranged marriage (i am not sure if the Hindus do arranged marriage?)

 

[MorningGlory]

i am not sure if the Hindus do arranged marriage?

Yes, but it’s less common now. I don’t think longing for Third World practices is really the way to go.

 

[Cue Bald]

you're right, better to get a hair transplant rather than have a woman being forced to marry a bald man