A Motivational Thread To Help Those Suffering

[trexftw]

Hey there,

Long time lurker, first time poster. I've seen a lot of threads and posts where people show prominent signs of depression/doubt and are even suicidal to a degree. The point of this thread is to give some hope to those at their lowest which I think that is for a lot of you.

But first, I started losing my hair about 5 years ago and I'm still quite young. I have a huge bald spot that I've always been embarrassed of and am known to be the hat guy by many. As in I would never take off my hat due to the extreme anxiety that I would be 'outted' as a man suffering from hairloss. Today I still let the fear run my life but am actively trying to get over it. This is what I've learned so far.

Hairloss is all about mentality. Let me explain. There is absolutely nothing that you could do before hairloss that you couldn't do after hairloss (except for trivial things like paying someone to cut your hair). Hairloss itself is not what's holding you back, it's the thought of hairloss that is; the belief of what hairloss does to one's reputation being the dominate factor of why you limit yourself. If you tell the world something as truth, then the world will respond to it as truth. For example, if someone says "there is nothing good in this world" then all they will see is the bad. Even if clearly there is good being done. They will choose to ignore it for the benefit of their affirmation. And I believe people with hairloss do the same thing. Because it's easier for them to do so.

Now one of the first things people say to themselves is "women now find me unattractive." But why? I mean, I don't blame you. In your mind, that's what the world is telling you. People are always portrayed as being unsuccessful or ugly due to balding. But does that make it true?

"By age 35, two-thirds of American men will have some degree of appreciable hair loss and by age 50 approximately 85% of men have significantly thinning hair. About 25% of men who suffer from male pattern baldness begin the painful process before they reach 21." - WebMD

So do you think every single man (or 25% of them) in that statistic is ugly or unsuccessful? You must if you think you are ugly simply because you're suffering from hairloss. When really hairloss is genetics. It's biology. It's natural. And women know this. Don't take them for granted. They know there is nothing a man can do when they are losing their hair. Women see balding men every day whether they acknowledge it or not. Women are much more turned off when seeing a decision a man has done to themselves that they don't agree with such as not taking care of themselves or having bad hygiene. They can easily differ between genetics and choice.

Passion is what keeps most people going. Everybody has something that they are exceptionally good at - whether they know it or not. It could include being an accountant, a computer programmer, a filmmaker or it could even be a small talent. But because a lot of guys shut themselves in due to depression of hairloss, they will never fully understand or utilize what that something is. They are omitting the world of that skill. So because you're doing yourself a disservice to everyone by not chasing your dream career, you are also creating an insecure persona for the women around you. And they can sense that. They know when a man doesn't believe in himself. And that's why they don't want you. Not because you are losing your hair, or balding, but because you don't believe in yourself. And why should they?

It's not the cause that's hurting you - it's the reaction.

Stop living in the past. So many guys (including myself) think that hairloss is a temporary issue. Or that their lives would be so much better if they had hair. But that's not you anymore. You are never the person that you were yesterday. I know it's hard to accept but it's true. The sooner you love yourself in the present, the sooner other people will too. It's hard, I know. One of the most difficult things to do in this world is to accept yourself for who you are. But you can do it. I believe everyone has the power to.

Again, I hope this thread makes you second guess some of your beliefs. Even a small doubt makes it all worth it.

And now I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Game of Thrones:

"Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you."

 

[Aldrich]

All arguments end with "at least I have hair." You can never win as a bald man.

One of the top features that all women look for in a man is 'great hair.' They want to be able to run their fingers through it.

Hairloss is a symptom of severe diseases. If you're bald, people will (subconsciously) associate it with sickness and death. Kids will just ask you if you've got cancer or if you're sick. If you want the ultimate truth, ask a child.

So, yeah, hairloss is holding us back. It's not just in our heads.

 

[N003]

All arguments end with "at least I have hair." You can never win as a bald man.

One of the top features that all women look for in a man is 'great hair.' They want to be able to run their fingers through it.

Hairloss is a symptom of severe diseases. If you're bald, people will (subconsciously) associate it with sickness and death. Kids will just ask you if you've got cancer or if you're sick. If you want the ultimate truth, ask a child.

So, yeah, hairloss is holding us back. It's not just in our heads.

That is just not true. True is yes b****s and Girls without a big brain or low IQ just search a guy with the same quality ( they have just the
appearance)

But my question is : Do you want have a stupid girl (plastic girl) which just looks good and have nothing in here brain and no
personality


There are 1000 more important aspects what a girl/woman is looking when she search a boyfriend.

Stop with this sh*t self-pity that makes you unattractive to everyone nothing else.

 

[transam]

Yea....um, no.
I'm not gonna feed myself with false hope of a "brighter, greener grass on the other side of the hill" nonsense. It doesn't matter how much money I have, or how many women I sleep with....I want my god damn hair! Keep your women & your money

 

[transam]

For god sakes; celebrities are holding on for dear life with the remaining follicles they have left, & they have MILLIONS of dollars!!!
No amount of money can compensate for not having a full head of hair.

 

[Illusions]

Not everyone cares about what girls or other people think about losing their hair. Some of us just care about how look for ourselves rather than other peoples opinions and would much rather have hair, so why not do everything in our power to keep our hair?(or at least keep it for a longer time period)

 

[trexftw]

Most of these responses are exactly the type of behavior I'm talking about. Stop letting corporations who want to sell their products get the upper hand on you. Because those are the kinds of people that keep enforcing this belief that hairloss is the worst thing that can ever happen. I see it all the time on infomercials. They make you into the victim and make you feel like crap so you will buy their supply. And it's working.

This pitiful excuse that due to hairloss your life is over. Turning yourself into the victim to deal with a huge change in your life is not the answer. It will never be the answer. The funny thing is the only person holding you back is yourself. Not society. Not women. There are people out there who can't walk, or eat properly, who have cancer, or have severe burns that are actually impaired. The only thing that's impairing us is ourselves.

I know most of you guys can't see it this way because your brain is so used to thinking in this one mentality. You essentially have to change your brain pattern which is not the easiest thing in the world to do. But there are strategies like meditation. The mind can so quickly turn negative and stay that way for the longest time.

At least try. That's all I'm asking. For the benefit of your own happiness. Try to see it from another angle.

 

[Dante92]

As usual, Fred summed it up perfectly.

 

[trexftw]

It's been a long time since we didn't have a guy posting that kind of new-age self-help BS.

"It's all about mentality, if you don't care about being bald, others won't either."

Too bad there's such thing called reality.

And for god's sake, how is saying "there are worse things in life!" going to help anyone?

There is always worse, and it's irrelevant. Being bald is still hell on earth.

Why do you need to do these mental gymnastics just to convince yourself that being bald is no big deal?!

Of course it is, that's obvious to anyone isn't a dumbass or drowned in his own delusions.

Hair loss sucks, it makes you uglier, and it will impact your love life, your social life and your career negatively, no matter how much positive BS you eat for breakfast.

You think I don't know this? I started balding when I was 19. You think I don't suffer every day from it?

So you can tell me all you want about this "new age BS" but it's your 'old age BS' that's holding everyone back. You know why people keep saying bald people are ugly? Because people like you can't move on and self-hate onto everyone. Which makes other people feel like crap.

So you can deny it all you want. But know now, you will never be happy with that attitude. It's not the world saying you are ugly, it's people like you. It's not the disease - you are.

 

[resu]

You raised good points, it's a new "you" and we shouldn't live like we were in the past but the problem is that we're social animals and others will not hold back in judging you, use you to make cheap jokes around others, block you from making any advances... you have less options and that's the really the issue, the more options you have the better off you are.

When it comes to relationships, the majority of bald guys I see are the typical errand boy types, they're definitely on the lower end of the relationship.

 

[trexftw]

You raised good points, it's a new "you" and we shouldn't live like we were in the past but the problem is that we're social animals and others will not hold back in judging you, use you to make cheap jokes around others, block you from making any advances... you have less options and that's the really the issue, the more options you have the better off you are.

When it comes to relationships, the majority of bald guys I see are the typical errand boy types, they're definitely on the lower end of the relationship.

Then let them judge you. We are social animals, yes, but that doesn't mean we have to rely on other people's opinions for our own happiness. Okay, so your perception of happiness is good looks and possibly being rich. Then why do so many celebrities have depression? Why do their lives fall apart if they have everything they need to be happy? Because that's not true happiness. It's materialism. It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like, as soon as you rely on other people's opinion for your own happiness - you will never be satisfied. Because no matter what someone out there will hate you.

There are over 3 billion women in the world. Are you saying they will all think your unattractive? And it doesn't matter if she's universally shown to be beautiful. What matters is that you find her beautiful. North Americans are so fixed on this ideology that these external factors are everything. EVERYTHING. When it's simply not true.

I strongly suggest people read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. It's a very short read and it will give you a brand new perspective on life.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Trexftw, I applaud you on your attempt to throw your own perspective on how to live life with hair loss but if it were that easy this forum would be "dead". Lets put it this way, nobody likes when you take something that they greatly cherish away from them. So when "mother nature" starts robbing you of your hair, its only human nature to want to recover something that you had no intention of giving up in the first place. That's why so many people here are willing to sacrifice themselves with drugs or other means just to get back what belonged to them in the first place. And if you can't get your way, its only human nature to be totally devastated and depressed when its beyond your control. And what makes it worse is that many of your peers or older guys get to keep all their hair and never get robbed until later in life. So now you feel cheated and the only way to cope with your loss is to fall into a state of depression.

We all handle loss that way. And sometimes when you get depressed, the only way out is upward. However, every time you glance at yourself in the mirror, reality kicks in and you will fall right back down and hit "rock bottom" again. And if you think avoiding mirrors will be a solution? It won't because those people who are still "privileged" and have never been "robbed" will be right in your face mocking you for your unfortunate loss. And down you go again. Let's not forget, no matter what, you will compare yourself to everyone else and if you don't feel secure or share the same loss with what you see, you will hit rock bottom again. And yes, changing your perspective to make you rise above is definitely a temporary solution but it will never be a permanent one because eventually we all will get "robbed" of something else you truly cherish even sometimes more than life itself. But when your life is finally "robbed" and you finally die, your final solution will emerge as you will never suffer from depression again. That is why some feel suicide is the final solution but we all have been taught that is not a healthy one so I am in no way implying it is a good one.

I have read alot of self help books in my lifetime and I can tell you, the only thing that makes the most sense is to live in the now. Forget your past and don't "fortune tell" your future. Gage your happiness on what is happening as you live it in the moment. If every moment is unhappy then find something now to do that makes you happy for one or two hours. At least, you can block out your past and your future thoughts just to finally feel some pleasure. And each day try to increase your hours to a point you can a have almost a full day of doing something you enjoy. And if you can't that is ok too. I think those who spend hours on this forum and feel some form of happiness (or misery in disguise) are actually doing exactly what we call living in the now. And I just spent a good amount of time writing this and it definitely kept my focus OFF my insecurities enough to have a brief moment of "happiness".

 

[trexftw]

Trexftw, I applaud you on your attempt to throw your own perspective on how to live life with hair loss but if it were that easy this forum would be "dead". Lets put it this way, nobody likes when you take something that they greatly cherish away from them. So when "mother nature" starts robbing you of your hair, its only human nature to want to recover something that you had no intention of giving up in the first place. That's why so many people here are willing to sacrifice themselves with drugs or other means just to get back what belonged to them in the first place. And if you can't get your way, its only human nature to be totally devastated and depressed when its beyond your control. And what makes it worse is that many of your peers or older guys get to keep all their hair and never get robbed until later in life. So now you feel cheated and the only way to cope with your loss is to fall into a state of depression.

We all handle loss that way. And sometimes when you get depressed, the only way out is upward. However, every time you glance at yourself in the mirror, reality kicks in and you will fall right back down and hit "rock bottom" again. And if you think avoiding mirrors will be a solution? It won't because those people who are still "privileged" and have never been "robbed" will be right in your face mocking you for your unfortunate loss. And down you go again. Let's not forget, no matter what, you will compare yourself to everyone else and if you don't feel secure or share the same loss with what you see, you will hit rock bottom again. And yes, changing your perspective to make you rise above is definitely a temporary solution but it will never be a permanent one because eventually we all will get "robbed" of something else you truly cherish even sometimes more than life itself. But when your life is finally "robbed" and you finally die, your final solution will emerge as you will never suffer from depression again. That is why some feel suicide is the final solution but we all have been taught that is not a healthy one so I am in no way implying it is a good one.

I have read alot of self help books in my lifetime and I can tell you, the only thing that makes the most sense is to live in the now. Forget your past and don't "fortune tell" your future. Gage your happiness on what is happening as you live it in the moment. If every moment is unhappy then find something now to do that makes you happy for one or two hours. At least, you can block out your past and your future thoughts just to finally feel some pleasure. And each day try to increase your hours to a point you can a have almost a full day of doing something you enjoy. And if you can't that is ok too. I think those who spend hours on this forum and feel some form of happiness (or misery in disguise) are actually doing exactly what we call living in the now. And I just spent a good amount of time writing this and it definitely kept my focus OFF my insecurities enough to have a brief moment of "happiness".

I agree with you on living in the present. That is a must. The last paragraph is all about distractions (which everyone does hairloss or not) but like you mentioned, it's a temporary solution. The appeal only lasts until you stop doing what you're doing which is not good enough for prolonged happiness.

A reoccurring problem I noticed a lot of guys doing on here is comparing their lives to others to unrealistic degrees. This is toxic thinking and will only create more misery and depression than the problem itself. Like with distractions, most people (hairloss or not) compare themselves to others. And it's usually not in the good way. It leads to jealously and anger towards other people and themselves even if they did nothing to you. You have to stop thinking this way.

Your right in the first paragraph; people deeply miss a cherished loss. But it's only human nature to a degree. A healthy mind knows that the mourning phase is just that - a phase. So when a phase lasts years on end, then it's not a phase anymore, it's your reality. You need to learn to move on with your life. And I already know what people are thinking because I've heard it a million times. "I'm always reminded of my hairloss so I can never move on." Then stop looking at hairloss as being such a negative aspect to your life. Look at it as being a part of you. It's not a separate entity ruining your life. It is in fact you. And avoiding mirrors is NEVER the answer because then your denying your own self-image.

Let me just say that I'm glad people are responding with their concerns. I can't write all the answers - there's simply too much to say. And I never said this change would be easy. In fact, it is one of the hardest things you will have to do. Because like I said before, you are essentially re-wiring your brain pattern and denying everything you've been taught since birth. But it's so worth it.

By all means, when an external solution to hairloss is discovered. Go for it. But don't torture yourself in the meantime. Don't waste years of your life for something you can't control. Embrace and accept it. Learn from it.

 

[Roberto_72]

Trexftw, I applaud you on your attempt to throw your own perspective on how to live life with hair loss but if it were that easy this forum would be "dead". Lets put it this way, nobody likes when you take something that they greatly cherish away from them. So when "mother nature" starts robbing you of your hair, its only human nature to want to recover something that you had no intention of giving up in the first place. That's why so many people here are willing to sacrifice themselves with drugs or other means just to get back what belonged to them in the first place. And if you can't get your way, its only human nature to be totally devastated and depressed when its beyond your control. And what makes it worse is that many of your peers or older guys get to keep all their hair and never get robbed until later in life. So now you feel cheated and the only way to cope with your loss is to fall into a state of depression.

We all handle loss that way. And sometimes when you get depressed, the only way out is upward. However, every time you glance at yourself in the mirror, reality kicks in and you will fall right back down and hit "rock bottom" again. And if you think avoiding mirrors will be a solution? It won't because those people who are still "privileged" and have never been "robbed" will be right in your face mocking you for your unfortunate loss. And down you go again. Let's not forget, no matter what, you will compare yourself to everyone else and if you don't feel secure or share the same loss with what you see, you will hit rock bottom again. And yes, changing your perspective to make you rise above is definitely a temporary solution but it will never be a permanent one because eventually we all will get "robbed" of something else you truly cherish even sometimes more than life itself. But when your life is finally "robbed" and you finally die, your final solution will emerge as you will never suffer from depression again. That is why some feel suicide is the final solution but we all have been taught that is not a healthy one so I am in no way implying it is a good one.

I have read alot of self help books in my lifetime and I can tell you, the only thing that makes the most sense is to live in the now. Forget your past and don't "fortune tell" your future. Gage your happiness on what is happening as you live it in the moment. If every moment is unhappy then find something now to do that makes you happy for one or two hours. At least, you can block out your past and your future thoughts just to finally feel some pleasure. And each day try to increase your hours to a point you can a have almost a full day of doing something you enjoy. And if you can't that is ok too. I think those who spend hours on this forum and feel some form of happiness (or misery in disguise) are actually doing exactly what we call living in the now. And I just spent a good amount of time writing this and it definitely kept my focus OFF my insecurities enough to have a brief moment of "happiness".

Applauses.

 

[ozm8ey]

You don't suffer from hair loss. You suffer from cancer, you suffer from living in pain. Hair loss it just a disappointment, but you shouldn't really be suffering from it.

 

[Cue Bald]

missing the postman when he has a package you want is a disapointment.
getting a grade below what you were hoping for on an exam is a disapointment.
losing all the hair on the top of your head and hence no longer getting even looked at by girls your age is much more than a disapointment.

 

[alexpie2]

I agree with everything you said. People need to be more optimistic and stop pretending like hair loss is the sole reason their life is in shambles.

 

[Funkymonk1]

trexftw, I agree with a lot of what you said and I appreciate your outlook more then the guys who just spread negativity but unfortunately the cold hard truth is losing your hair drastically changes the way you look and unless you're extremely lucky your attractiveness level will lose at least a couple of points if you lose your hair. No matter how much you try and no matter how positive you are the vast majority of girls will still find you more attractive with hair. That's not being negative it's a biological fact.
Again, I agree that you've got to try to make the best of what you have and you have to try not to let it hold you back but, still, that truth is niggling at the back of our minds. I think deep down you know this as well because despite all the positive outlook you still admit that inside you're struggling emotionally.

 

[trexftw]

trexftw, I agree with a lot of what you said and I appreciate your outlook more then the guys who just spread negativity but unfortunately the cold hard truth is losing your hair drastically changes the way you look and unless you're extremely lucky your attractiveness level will lose at least a couple of points if you lose your hair. No matter how much you try and no matter how positive you are the vast majority of girls will still find you more attractive with hair. That's not being negative it's a biological fact.
Again, I agree that you've got to try to make the best of what you have and you have to try not to let it hold you back but, still, that truth is niggling at the back of our minds. I think deep down you know this as well because despite all the positive outlook you still admit that inside you're struggling emotionally.

You're right, I would be a liar to say that I never struggled emotionally with hairloss. And some days I do feel like giving up. But what kind of life is that when you pity and hate yourself so much that the only option is to be numb? I keep hearing the same old "inspirational" quotes over and over and over again about how we only get one life. How we should live every day like it's our last. But how can we when life keeps kicking us to the ground? I seriously don't know yet but I'll always try to find the answer. Because right now that's all I have.

And contrary to popular belief, life isn't all about how you look or being attractive. You will get a lot of benefits for being hot, yes, but you can still live an amazing life without it. Do you think Susan Boyle got popular because she's attractive? What about Stephen Hawking or Steve Buscemi? No, it's because they are all amazing at what they do. They pursued their dreams and look where it got them. Believing in what I said earlier has provided me with some happiness. I know for sure that directly fighting internal struggles is never the answer since they always fight back even harder. It's about embracing and moving on with your life. Like I said before, find something you love to do and do it. Turn it into a career. Believe in yourself and others will too.

 

[DoctorHouse]

We all know being amazing at what you do may bring fame and fortune but there is no guarantee it will bring you happiness. Robin Williams is a great example of that. Like I said before, if you can find something you enjoy doing for at least one hour a day or two hours a day, that should fulfill your needs for happiness. Happiness is never an easy task to find.