the Hard things come easy, but the Easy things come hard.

[Aplunk1]

It's very difficult for me to write about depression, nowadays. I refrain from drugs that allow me to speak my mind without fear of backlash. It was so commonplace for me to use and abuse a substance, whether it be heroin, meth, coke, pot, alcohol, ecstacy, and all else... Though it was only a few years, I feel as though it's been a lifetime. And because of all this, I can't, for the life of me, know how to happily function without them.

The most formative years of my life were spent trying to avoid a reality that, I felt, hated me. There were so many cruel and embarassing moments in my life, and to this day they still haunt me.

What's really odd is that I find myself praying under my breath:

"I can't do this anymore.. I can't do it.. I can't do it, man.. I cannot go through this again.. It's over.. It's over..."

And, I swear on my life, I say this and more several times a day.

I've done everything you guys told me to do-- I got back into school, have a 4.0 GPA (take my studies seriously, nowadays), exercise several hours a day, eat extremely healthy, cut down on stress... All of these things, yet I still cannot function without alcohol. What bothers me the most, and though it pains me inside to even admit to an online group, but I have no friends. Man, I've accomplished so goddamn much, but I'll never have the circle of friends I had when I was careless and the life of the party when I had substance access.

I've lived alone for years, but now this same loneliness is killing me inside. The people on the New York streets are cruel and liken to giving you jeering looks from aside. There is an innate misanthrophy to all of them, and I come home blaming myself, like always. And there's no one to even confide in, because, again, I have no friends.

I saw this poem the other day, and it kind of got to me:

http://www.lowbright.com/Comics/Island/Island.htm

 

[Aplunk1]

God, you people must make me out to be a f*****g idiot.

Dozens of posts go by, while mine is ignored. Is it too sensitive for you folks?

 

[DaSand]

Not sensitive, I'm battling addictions as well (they aren't of drugs and alcohol). The thing is I used to have an addiction to fast food to fight my depression. I was also hooked on masturbation from 2003-2004.

I just do other things like play games or watch DVDs to counter the effects of my addictions.

 

[chino20]

Yeah I get ya man. I had a terrible 3 years at university, really bad things happened to me in my first year that'll never leave me and still affect me now, my second was spent on any kind of drug I could find and my 3rd was spent completely alone and depressed. But at the end of it I was fine, and the only reason for that was I got to leave and go back home where I still had my old friends from before uni, that's why I feel for you when you say you have no friends, because without them I wouldn't have got through it. Have you moved recently?

 

[Aplunk1]

Yeah I get ya man. I had a terrible 3 years at university, really bad things happened to me in my first year that'll never leave me and still affect me now, my second was spent on any kind of drug I could find and my 3rd was spent completely alone and depressed. But at the end of it I was fine, and the only reason for that was I got to leave and go back home where I still had my old friends from before uni, that's why I feel for you when you say you have no friends, because without them I wouldn't have got through it. Have you moved recently?

Wow, thank you for relating, my friend. Yes, I moved to NYC a year ago from back West.

 

[recboi]

I'm really depressed too, but alcohol only makes things worse. I owe massive amounts of student loans, never got a real job, women have either rejected me or treated me like sh*t my entire life. I've never had a positive experience with a woman in the romance department. All have been disasters, despite me being kind and caring to them... I should be the biggest druggie on earth, but have no desire. i don't even like to watch tv or movies to escape reality. Maybe I should? All I knoew I'm miserable and am going to be alone for the rest of my life, and need to figure out how best to handle it.

 

[chino20]

recboi I know what you mean, I left uni in June, have £10,000 in student loans to repay, and I haven't even got a job yet, everywhere has rejected me, either because I come across as depressed or because I don't have any experience working (because I've spent all my time up till now either wasted or depressed), and the longer I've gone not working, the harder it's becoming to get a job, but at least I'm not depressed anymore (only since a few days ago mind you). Life's bloody hard, yet everyone seems to be getting by apart from me.

Aplunk, yeah that kinda explains your loneliness I guess. Do you have friends back west? Maybe if you're drinking a lot, go do it somewhere other people are doing the same? I dunno dude, you definitely sound depressed though.

 

[recboi]

recboi I know what you mean, I left uni in June, have £10,000 in student loans to repay, and I haven't even got a job yet, everywhere has rejected me, either because I come across as depressed or because I don't have any experience working (because I've spent all my time up till now either wasted or depressed), and the longer I've gone not working, the harder it's becoming to get a job, but at least I'm not depressed anymore (only since a few days ago mind you). Life's bloody hard, yet everyone seems to be getting by apart from me.

Aplunk, yeah that kinda explains your loneliness I guess. Do you have friends back west? Maybe if you're drinking a lot, go do it somewhere other people are doing the same? I dunno dude, you definitely sound depressed though.

Chino20, I wasn't even able to get a job in my field, and I spent a LOT more in student loans than yours, over 5x more. Talking over $130,000 here... I get a monthly reminder in the form of a payment on a failed attempt to improve my life. Sure, I make decent money, I'm not living on the streets,it's an almost comfortable life, but what I do is dead end, and gives me no practical experience and no marketability. It just gives me a paycheck, and this was all after doing VERY well in school.

If Aplunk ever wanted to drive down south about 4 hours I would hang out with him, but I cannot ever go to NYC again. I despise that place..

 

[chino20]

That sucks man, not sure how anyone could run up that amount of debt, thats unheard of in england I think! I know what you mean about the failed attempt to improve your life though, my degree isn't helping me get a job at all, it's actually making it harder, so I wasted 3 years of my life, 2 of those were the worst years of my life. Great.

 

[DoctorHouse]

Chino, I thought everyone was jolly and cheery in England! :dunno:

 

[recboi]

That sucks man, not sure how anyone could run up that amount of debt, thats unheard of in england I think! I know what you mean about the failed attempt to improve your life though, my degree isn't helping me get a job at all, it's actually making it harder, so I wasted 3 years of my life, 2 of those were the worst years of my life. Great.

School here is very expensive. My undergraduate (bachelor) degree was $80,000 for tuition alone, and this was in the 1990s. That doesn't include room and board. Graduate school costs a lot more. When i went to graduate school it was about $30,000 a year , now it's close to $38,000, that is JUST tuition. Doesn't include rent, food, books, anything else. It would be very easy to spend over $200,000 these days on a college degree and a graduate degree.... I'm not in a dead end job, no hope of getting out. Just paying off my loans is the only reason I do it, then I will try something else, entry level and will make a lot less. But c'est la vie. I'm no longer concerned about women, so whatever money I make will be totally for me. I just want to live a comfortable life, don't need a big house, fancy car, fancy clothes or anything like that.. Consider yourself lucky you aren't in the US. You would be in the same boat, but owe a lot more, though your english accent would take you far with the ladies.. Not kidding... You would get laid simply from your accent.

 

[recboi]

Chino, I thought everyone was jolly and cheery in England! :dunno:

I used to live there. Hhaha, no way... It's gray and rainy... People were angry all over the place. I'll never forget I was walking around Bishopsgate and there was this foreign guy (non english speaking) yelling at himself in some foreign language, clearly a crazy guy, and these british guys in a group said "f*****g foreigners" and I was like "oh sh*t, better get out of here"..

 

[hairwegoagain]

Yeah, I have a friend that has well into the 6 figures in student loans...undergrad + med school. It's not unusual here. Even if you're making big bucks (which he's not yet), it takes a long time to pay that off.

Recboi, I kinda know what you mean about your job. Sometimes I sit here wondering why the F I'm doing what I'm doing. I have a good job and am thankful. However, I don't really have the passion for it I once did. I don't mind admitting that at this point I'm pretty much in it for the money only, so that maybe someday I can do something I really like and not worry so much about the money.

 

[Sean68]

aplunk from reading your post it seems like you talk to yourself in a negative voice - STOP IT!
try talking to yourself in a positive way - say nice things to yourself and talk to yourself in a nice way. theres nothing like the feeling of being lonely it really makes you feel weak and insignificant but you should try being your own best friend it just seems to me like youre fighting with yourself all the time. i dont know if this helps at all i just thought its maybe something different than 'get out and meet people - join an archery club' etc. hold your head up high mate you seem like a good guy.

 

[Aplunk1]

aplunk from reading your post it seems like you talk to yourself in a negative voice - STOP IT!
try talking to yourself in a positive way - say nice things to yourself and talk to yourself in a nice way. theres nothing like the feeling of being lonely it really makes you feel weak and insignificant but you should try being your own best friend it just seems to me like youre fighting with yourself all the time. i dont know if this helps at all i just thought its maybe something different than 'get out and meet people - join an archery club' etc. hold your head up high mate you seem like a good guy.

Thanks mate, of all the posts in this thread, I most closely identify with yours. I sincerily appreciate your words-- I'll try to speak positively about myself. And yes, I am constantly fighting with myself. I find life to be generally easy, but getting on with myself is very difficult. It's a backwards lifestyle, I guess.

Thanks.

 

[chino20]

Chino, I thought everyone was jolly and cheery in England! :dunno:

Yeah I'm the only non cheery englishman . Lol. I defy anyone to be cheery in this country, how can you be when it's constantly grey and cold?