so gone...

[Bash]

My sanity is gone. I use to be able to think...about important things. Real actual intelligent thoughts. No more.

Today I just feel like a superficial, shallow balding shell of a man who foolishly obsesses about something beyond his control. And I try, lord do I try, to regain some of the sanity and level headed spirit I had when approaching problems but it feels like it's gone.

I have managed to forget about hairloss for maybe weeks at a time,if I'm lucky,but find myself in that hole again later on if i'm down for some other reason. It's like a kick when you're already down. A problem with no solution that effects almost everything I choose to do.

I dread the day when I encounter a real problem, like a disease, the harm of a loved one, or terrible financial issues. All possible scenarios. How the hell am I gonna handle these when I don't even have the will to dispose of my hairloss' emotional problems.

I just hide...with permanent hats, concealers, avoid strong lights..for two years...and it just keeps getting worse making it harder to give those addictions up...how the f*** did I let it get this far? What kinda of a man am I? One that hides...that's who. How much respect do I deserve when I can't even respect myself?

Just hoping the treatments will kick in is fuckin agony...especially after a most terrible shed that's left me in a MUCH worse condition (believe me, it's no exaggeration). I feel like I'm putting life on hold while hoping the treatments will kick in..like i'm wasting my youth just hoping and might end up being screwed when nothing happens (which is most likely) but I just can't stop hoping, I've invested too much into this already.

I'm 24, thought I had it all figured out by 20 untill I started losing my hair at 21. My sanity, self-confidence and youthful naivity was gone with my hair. And I hate myself for letting it effect me so much.

Not only my sanity was lost throughout this obsession but my former proud self is gone as well.

P.S sorry for you guys who have read this in search of comfort...there is none.

 

[Aplunk1]

Everything always works out for the best. I know that sounds corny, but it's true: Things will get better.

There's been so much negativity circulating this forum, that even I've started to catch a little bit of it.

I thought I had the world on a string, able to do whatever I want, then hairloss set in, then my confidence went down the drain...

I experimented with drugs to try to cope with any emotional pain. This led to a serious drug problem, which fortunately only lasted for 6-7 months. I was fired from my job, dropped out of school, twice, lost 2 girlfriends, and came out with less brain cells.

I regret a lot of things I've said and done in the last 2 years, and I feel that most of my qualms come from hairloss.

Now I'm feeling sad. I'm going to get a crapload of caffeine to feel better.

 

[Bash]

Thanks for the reply. Appreciate it.

This hairloss thing is an addiction, a freakin obsession which is ALWAYS THERE.

I just want to be free...not too much to ask I think... but lack the mental strength to do it. I thought I had it, but today I'll admit it...I'm too weak. I just can't fess up to myself and others that I have to live with being ugly and old looking at 24. So different lookin and it happened so fast that I still remember how I use to look, but at the same time so slow that it chipped away my confidence and sanity day by day like chinese water torture.

 

[Boru]

You have to work at the cure, it is possible, giving in is no solution.
Boru

 

[Aplunk1]

I know... and it sucks that a lot of people have no f*****g clue of the emotional torment it has caused.

I squandered so much time trying to repair my life over hairloss. I've tried everything... tried to become a better boyfriend, tried to become a more religious (faithful, I should say) person, tried to take better care of my body, tried to live again...

and I fucked up.

Dammit,
this is too depressing.

 

[-cj-]

For this post I would like to quote something I posted on 11/15:

pehlavoon:

I'm 21, started losing at 19. I've always had a high hairline with a natural recession pattern, but then it started coming out in the 100's. I thought nothing of it until I looked in the mirror one day and thought, what in the hell is happening.

At the time I was going through some rough days so I just attributed it to school and the like, but that was just me hoping and wishing it was something else. I immediately started using Nioxin Shampoo & Conditioner. I cannot attest that they helped, cause I could have been experiencing my first shed, but it made me think better about it. But, it also started my obsession.

I wear a hat 90% of the time. I've always had a long hair style so hair loss has been an extreme issue for me. Whenever I see a guy, I look at their hair before I look at anything about them, examining it and realizng that no one else my age seems to have it as bad as me.

I've been so close to doing everything, but have never done it. I started by changing what I knew I could handle, my health. I cut soda out of my diet and started supplementing whole food supplements to balance out my body. I also switched to Revivogen Shampoo & Conditioner, which I think is better, although the Nioxin makes your scalp feel really neat. I also supplement Saw Palmetto, regardless of whether it works or not. I'm also supplementing 3g of MSM a day.

Has any of this helped? I don't think it has hurt. I'm noticing vellus hairs where I was once slick, although my diffuse thinning is seeming to take over the top of my head, but at the same time I'm not sure that it is. I too am extremely sick and tired of trying to track my hairloss/gains. After every haircut I'm always sure that it's better, but I think that's just me trying to fool myself.

I have been so close to getting Finasteride, but won't because I am extremely active in weight lifting and have had a friend on it who experienced an extreme change in his thinking and lifestyle while on it. I don't want to be on it for the rest of my life.

I have been so close to using Minoxidil, but won't because I don't want to use it for the rest of my life and I don't want my follicles to become dependant on it for growth. I don't want to miss a month and have all my progress vanish.

I have been so close to getting a Hair Transplant, but I know I shouldn't because I could possibly lose the hair behind it.

I have bene so close to getting Nizoral or T-Gel, but won't because I don't have an itchy or inflammed scalp, and I don't want it to dry it out. Although I know I probably should, and I think I will get on it soon.

So basically I have gone the non-medicinal route and have experienced some regrowth. My hair is definitely in better shape than it was a year ago. I had a tuft of hair in the front, now it actually resembles hair again.

When I do style my hair I use American Crew Thickening Lotion, it's great stuff, but I have light brown hair so it doesn't minimize the scalp showing through as much as I'd like.

What I'm getting at is I totally understand where you're at, and I'm scared of everything too. Keep me updated.

 

[Weepy]

I'm with you. Believe me, I'm with you. I have been making some very bad personal choices lately, all because hairloss is on my mind 24/7. I have the possibility of meeting up with women, but I won't. I don't want to be seen.

The only thing I can suggest is for you to see a psychiatrist. I went to one, and I received a prescription for my anxiety. I am thinking about antidepressants, too, but I'm not sure. I am sure that it would help. I don't know. I'm so confused all the time. I find myself making unusually simple errors. Today, I struggled writing a memo.

Hang in there. We're with you. Keep posting. We'll be listening.

 

[Bash]

I don't think I can afford treating this obsession with yet another medical treatment in the form of anxiety pills.

I've actually considered the psychitrist approach, their six years of training must amount to something when treating anxiety, right? Problem is I'm expecting little if any help/sympathy from a professional and I can live without the humaliation.

By the way, thanks for your generous replies. I have to think of something radical...and fuckin do it. I'm tired of living in fear. I just wish I knew what it is I can do. Or maybe patience IS the strongest thing I can do. I just don't know :cry:

...all I know is that my mind must be set on something more important than just my looks if I want a better life.

 

[Aplunk1]

Bash,
thank you very much.

...all I know is that my mind must be set on something more important than just my looks if I want a better life.

This is the absolute best thing I've heard on this forum. Good thinking, and goodluck with everything.

 

[asdf2]

I have to live with being ugly and old looking at 24. So different lookin and it happened so fast that I still remember how I use to look, .

being bald doesn't make you ugly, you just gotta work on pullint the look off. I wish my hair would just hurry up and all fall out now so i don't have to buzz it every other day! there's always a bright side to every situation you just have to find it!

 

[Bash]

thanks for the kind words...

u know what?

...the patience required for this has taught me discpline. I take my treatments on the required times and have hit the gym to compensate my insecurity. I'm not saying I don't feel like crap every now and then...but it's not as bad when I'm doing all I can...I think

 

[Bash]

another bad day....somebody laughed at me, a girl.
It was a friends potential girlfriend so I had to remain more than cool when they tore off the hat...I had to seem delighted -- :x --when they saw my trueself. Then she laughed and said "damn he's ugly" while another friend rubbed my hair like a dog while everybody in the room inspected my receded hairline with looks of wonder. And through all of this I had to seem delighted.

I had to shower for an hour to wash away the disgust I had. For myself. I forgive my friends, forgive the girls...they don't know better. They can't imagine how much it hurts to be so bluntly and abruptly physically rejected, even if you're a grown man that should be able to handle it.

 

[Aplunk1]

You know what, Bash,
f*** THEM.

Never talk to them again. I can't believe someone would ever do that to you.

It doesn't seem like they were joking. f*** them, man.

You deserve so much better. Don't take that sh*t, stand up for yourself.

God bless,
Andy

 

[ColtraneisGod]

bash -

 

[Bash]

I wanted to thank you for your generous and heartfelt reply. I really appreciate it.
You know, someone once said that people can only hurt if you let them. And by that I don't mean by telling them off or avoiding unsensetive people (because they'll allways be some a-hole around)... but by concentrating on your own ability to receive insults and hits and brushing it off your shoulder. You see, when it comes to my friends, I know I can trust them when it comes down to it, but they lack the ability to understand. That's why I forgive them. It's my own mental state that I'm battling with, the hardest battle of all. If I tell them off, I can guarantee that they will never do it again. But that's not the battle I need to handle, it's myself I need to handle with acceptance and grace. And when I do that, nothing, and I mean nothing will be able to get to me.

 

[Munky]

Just read your 1st post again.. I was in the same situation as you.., 24, always hiding behind hats, not goin out as much as before etc etc and my life was at a standstill.. I thought about my hairloss or more like what everone else is thinking about it more and more everyday.. I had a friend at work make a fool of me at a work party last year infront of everyone, lets just say i got 2punches in and knocked him to the floor before he knew what was going on.. Now i know thats not the right thing to do and i nearly got the sack but it just happened.. I'd always feel angry and push myself away from everyone.. Things had to change..

Nearly 4weeks ago now i shaved it all off.., 1st week was hell and i couldn't look in the mirror.., but now after a few weeks i think i look better than before.. I don't have to worry about people taking my hat off or asking what's the crap in my hair *TOPPIK*.. People actually seem to respect the fact i have the balls to shave it all off and it feels so good!!

Depending on how much hair you have think about shaving it all off.. It's changed my life so far and im 100% more happy..