An open letter to Uncomfortable man

[Oknow]

This is an open message to you. Can't believe I am doing this.

I really sympathize with you. And I have been following your threads for a while. And it has taken me aback, never seen BDD so volatile in my life.

Ok so you are bald, lets reframe your whole entire existance at this moment in time. You come across a guy with a chip on his shoulder (I have no bias against you as I have joined recently, so do not take this as an attack), fair enough its tragic what has happened to you. You clearly let baldness dictate your every action in life, right down to your deepest thoughts. If this is the way you want to live, so be it.

But have you ever thought about reframing your whole situation, by embracing your baldness and accepting the reality that you could possibly help other people that are also bald and may be suffering from BDD like you have done, get over it? Can you imagine how many lives you can change by getting over your BDD, as you can pass on your knowledge in the form of the coping mechanisms you have developed to guys who are also psychologically affected in the same way that you are now.

Can you imagine the endless possibilities this can create for you. f***, you would be better then any shrink, any psychologist, therapist as you have been there, you know the motions, you will have the tools in your toolkit to handle it. You will have real credibility.

Can you imagine how many guys you will inspire that come on here, that who after reading your older posts see how you eventually become a changed man, with your quality of life improving generally due to you DICTATING your reality and not the baldness.

I know I would be if I became a NW7 and fell into deep depression, be inspired by you. Heck you may even be able to help me.

Can you imagine the self-satisfaction you will get, if you are able to help people change the quality of their lives for the better.

This is your gift Uncomfortable Man. Your baldness is only a curse if you see it that way, on the other hand it can also be seen as a blessing in disguise. You have the potential to be great, I don't think you know it. What you lack is believe in yourself.

 

[johnny b]

This is an open message to you. Can't believe I am doing this.

I really sympathize with you. And I have been following your threads for a while. And it has taken me aback, never seen BDD so volatile in my life.

Ok so you are bald, lets reframe your whole entire existance at this moment in time. You come across a guy with a chip on his shoulder (I have no bias against you as I have joined recently, so do not take this as an attack), fair enough its tragic what has happened to you. You clearly let baldness dictate your every action in life, right down to your deepest thoughts. If this is the way you want to live, so be it.

But have you ever thought about reframing your whole situation, by embracing your baldness and accepting the reality that you could possibly help other people that are also bald and may be suffering from BDD like you have done, get over it? Can you imagine how many lives you can change by getting over your BDD, as you can pass on your knowledge in the form of the coping mechanisms you have developed to guys who are also psychologically affected in the same way that you are now.

Can you imagine the endless possibilities this can create for you. f*ck, you would be better then any shrink, any psychologist, therapist as you have been there, you know the motions, you will have the tools in your toolkit to handle it. You will have real credibility.

Can you imagine how many guys you will inspire that come on here, that who after reading your older posts see how you eventually become a changed man, with your quality of life improving generally due to you DICTATING your reality and not the baldness.

I know I would be if I became a NW7 and fell into deep depression, be inspired by you. Heck you may even be able to help me.

Can you imagine the self-satisfaction you will get, if you are able to help people change the quality of their lives for the better.

This is your gift Uncomfortable Man. Your baldness is only a curse if you see it that way, on the other hand it can also be seen as a blessing in disguise. You have the potential to be great, I don't think you know it. What you lack is believe in yourself.

just curious what norwood class is um?

 

[Cassin]

did you have to quote that ENTIRE post to ask that question?

really?

 

[treeshrew]

anyone else find this post comes off really condescending and idealistic?

one of the things i LIKE about this forum is that it is realistic. if you want just happy sh*t about how hair loss is no big deal, and it's all attitude, then why don't you go create an account over at sly bald guys?

i think this place is just too real for some people.

why is it your personal crusade to save someone down on hair loss? can't you just let them be? if someone wants to come here and get depressed because they read his posts, then that's their own fault for coming here.

i for one appreciate all perspectives on hair loss, even the negative ones.

 

[barcafan]

because he thinks by saving UCMAN hes saving himself in the process

 

[Oknow]

anyone else find this post comes off really condescending and idealistic?

one of the things i LIKE about this forum is that it is realistic. if you want just happy sh*t about how hair loss is no big deal, and it's all attitude, then why don't you go create an account over at sly bald guys?

i think this place is just too real for some people.

why is it your personal crusade to save someone down on hair loss? can't you just let them be? if someone wants to come here and get depressed because they read his posts, then that's their own fault for coming here.

i for one appreciate all perspectives on hair loss, even the negative ones.

Ok let me ask you this, why is it more acceptable when a guy starts a thread bitching about his hairloss to the magnitude that it is the end of the world when it isnt the case? I recently read a thread by Hope4Redux doing this, and the guy by the sounds of it had MINIMAL hairloss and aside from bitching was not doing anything about it.

If you read UM threads carefully you will see that he is full of limiting beliefs:

I cant do this
I cant do that
I hate

its always:

I cant
or
I hate

and its always related to his hairloss. Now, I don't intend to change the guy, and why would I want to, especially since I don't know him personally which is an even bigger reason for me not to go to such lengths. Plus I explicitly wrote in my original post that he has every right to keep his current mindset if it indeed it makes him happy, which I don't think it does. I do not agree with you that this is unrealistic idealism either, if he can overcome this it will make him mentally tougher, because he has developed a way to cope with his problem AND there is NO reason why he can't do this as there are so many bald guys out there with a better quality life irrespective of their baldness. Further proved by existance of places like "sly bald guys". What makes these guys any different, its clearly their attitude.

Furthermore he keeps on saying how people do not understand him because they are not a NW6, which means that if he is able to get over this hump mentally, he should in theory be able to help other NW6 that share his view. This seems plusable to me as they will be more likely to listen to him then a Norwood 1.5 like myself.

With the above in mind, what UM has that guys who have accepted it straight off the bat dont have is the fact that he knows what it is like being seriously depressed over baldness to the point it is crippling. Overcoming this is an accomplishment in its own as it will improve the quality of his life, and not to mention he can help others in a similar predicament.

 

[Cassin]

anyway....time to lock this up

for the record UM is always welcome here.

UM...check your pm please.

 

[Cassin]

Unlocked at UM's request.

I will ask that people leave this as civil as possible ok?

 

[uncomfortable man]

Thanks Cassin. I don't know which is worse, having BDD or being an nw5 but I can tell you that the combination of the two together has made my day to day existence almost intolerable. I appreciate that there are people in worse situations than me but like anything else that doesn't come in direct contact with my life...I will remain somewhat removed from it. I can still be grateful for what I do have, but it does not eclipse the misery that comes with being fully bald...for me. I actually think my bdd has mellowed out over the years as I do spend much less time starring horrified at my own reflection for hours. This is all just bad circumstances as far as I can see. Unfortunate genes that made me loose my hair at 23 and an inhospitable climate towards bald people from this society. It is for these reasons that I see myself more as a product of my environment more than anything else. I can't change how society feels about bald guys, I can't change my lack of hair (atm, unless I save up for transplants or invest in a piece) so the only thing left to change is how I feel about all of this. That is what psychotherapy was for. I spent 6 months trying to be convinced that I am no better or worse than anyone else with a full head of hair and that we are all just people with our own problems and don't forget to breathe, etc, etc. I knew all of that already though...everyone does since we all had the same stories read to us as children that teach us not to judge a book by it's cover/we are not what we look like type messages. These important and humane messages are lost with the onset of puberty unfortunately and everyone becomes concerned with how they look that many frankly never grow out of. So the common practice as far as I can see totally contradicts all of the better wisdom of our childhood fables- look good, be popular, make money, have sex have become the goals in life and unfortunately judging books by their cover is a byproduct of that. I tried to explain this to the doctor, how this superficial society, influenced by the media (that caused bdd in the first place by holding us to unachievable expectations) has made me a target for ridicule because of my baldness. Living with it is one thing, accepting it is another. My doctor perscribed medication but it never changed my perception. I didn't see drugs as the solution, I saw ( and still see) having a full head of hair as being the solution to my internal woes.

 

[johnny b]

did you have to quote that ENTIRE post to ask that question?

really?

shoot me

 

[uncomfortable man]

This is an open message to you. Can't believe I am doing this.

I really sympathize with you. And I have been following your threads for a while. And it has taken me aback, never seen BDD so volatile in my life.

Ok so you are bald, lets reframe your whole entire existance at this moment in time. You come across a guy with a chip on his shoulder (I have no bias against you as I have joined recently, so do not take this as an attack), fair enough its tragic what has happened to you. You clearly let baldness dictate your every action in life, right down to your deepest thoughts. If this is the way you want to live, so be it.

But have you ever thought about reframing your whole situation, by embracing your baldness and accepting the reality that you could possibly help other people that are also bald and may be suffering from BDD like you have done, get over it? Can you imagine how many lives you can change by getting over your BDD, as you can pass on your knowledge in the form of the coping mechanisms you have developed to guys who are also psychologically affected in the same way that you are now.


Can you imagine the endless possibilities this can create for you. f*ck, you would be better then any shrink, any psychologist, therapist as you have been there, you know the motions, you will have the tools in your toolkit to handle it. You will have real credibility.

Can you imagine how many guys you will inspire that come on here, that who after reading your older posts see how you eventually become a changed man, with your quality of life improving generally due to you DICTATING your reality and not the baldness.

I know I would be if I became a NW7 and fell into deep depression, be inspired by you. Heck you may even be able to help me.

Can you imagine the self-satisfaction you will get, if you are able to help people change the quality of their lives for the better.

This is your gift Uncomfortable Man. Your baldness is only a curse if you see it that way, on the other hand it can also be seen as a blessing in disguise. You have the potential to be great, I don't think you know it. What you lack is believe in yourself.

just curious what norwood class is um?

Nw5....bang bang.

 

[Oknow]

Thanks Cassin. I don't know which is worse, having BDD or being an nw5 but I can tell you that the combination of the two together has made my day to day existence almost intolerable. I appreciate that there are people in worse situations than me but like anything else that doesn't come in direct contact with my life...I will remain somewhat removed from it. I can still be grateful for what I do have, but it does not eclipse the misery that comes with being fully bald...for me. I actually think my bdd has mellowed out over the years as I do spend much less time starring horrified at my own reflection for hours. This is all just bad circumstances as far as I can see. Unfortunate genes that made me loose my hair at 23 and an inhospitable climate towards bald people from this society. It is for these reasons that I see myself more as a product of my environment more than anything else. I can't change how society feels about bald guys, I can't change my lack of hair (atm, unless I save up for transplants or invest in a piece) so the only thing left to change is how I feel about all of this. That is what psychotherapy was for. I spent 6 months trying to be convinced that I am no better or worse than anyone else with a full head of hair and that we are all just people with our own problems and don't forget to breathe, etc, etc. I knew all of that already though...everyone does since we all had the same stories read to us as children that teach us not to judge a book by it's cover/we are not what we look like type messages. These important and humane messages are lost with the onset of puberty unfortunately and everyone becomes concerned with how they look that many frankly never grow out of. So the common practice as far as I can see totally contradicts all of the better wisdom of our childhood fables- look good, be popular, make money, have sex have become the goals in life and unfortunately judging books by their cover is a byproduct of that. I tried to explain this to the doctor, how this superficial society (that caused bdd in the first place by holding us to unachievable expectations) has made me a target for ridicule because of my baldness. Living with it is one thing, accepting it is another. My doctor perscribed medication but it never changed my perception. I didn't see drugs as the solution, I saw ( and still see) having a full head of hair as being the solution to my internal woes.

Right that's all fair enough UM (and thank you for your input, its enlighting). But let me ask you one question, who is responsible for the way you feel, who ultimately decides how badly something affects you, you or others?

I mean I'm sure that you have other imperfections (like we all do) that do not bother you on the same maginutude as being bald does, even though they can be picked upon easily; ask yourself, why is this?

By the way, I think baldness has become much more acceptable now then back in the day. I see a lot of bald guys walking around my city (London) and as someone that does have hair, I really don't think nothing of it when I see a bald guy because it is so common - place. But as you say, I think you have become socially conditioned from going bald in a time when it was less acceptable.

Ultimately though, I agree with you. Change has to come from within, that is why the drugs didn't work.

Furthermore you say that your BDD has mellowed down, that is promising, now if it can mellow down, why can't you erradicate it? I think the issue lies in accepting the situation for what it is; you personally want to have hair so badly but as your current reality does not dictate this, this is the reason why you are down. Definently acceptence of your reality is key here imo as it is your own personal feelings on this matter that are controlling you, not others. And tbh other people are probably so absorbed in their own little world that they wouldn't care about mine or yours imperfections....But only you can make this change, by changing the way you percieve your baldness.

 

[Oknow]

Some people have it worse. Some people have bigger problems controlling their senses. Some can train themselves. I thimk UM is a very sensitive person. But he is also very kind. I thank him for backing me up here when I'm down. In these moments I feel how frustrated he is... I rarely feel so. Now I'm fine, for a couple of months. Another health problems keep me thinking not about hairloss. :woot:

Yeah he is sensitive, that is both his strength and his weakness. Seriously he would make a great therapist due to it, as he would be understanding, compassionate etc. And as you say he has helped you out when you have been down, now if he can overcome his BDD, imagine how many other guys he can touch in a different way.

I should know what it is like being sensitive, I am also a sensitive guy. And yes I do suffer from BDD, just not from hairloss, and I am fighting it head on.

 

[uncomfortable man]

Yes, I wish I had the strength or indifference or whatever it is to make me stop caring what other people think of me and how they react to me but it is not so easy to do. The purpose of the drugs were to put me in a fog...kind of a chemical lobotomy to kill that part of my brain that obsesses over this. Would that have been a better fate? And then there's confidence. People speak of confidence like it is the cure all but where does confidence come from? Positive reinforcement. Why are good looking people so confident if not arrogant? Because they get all the positive affirmation they need from society because they are brainwashed into believing your value as a person is gauged by how good you look. Having hair is one of those basic criteria for being considered attractive...if not normal. Just look at personal ads women put out. Bald men need not apply. No baldies please. I've even had women tell me to my face that, "You're so handsome...too bad you're bald." or "I would totally date you if you had hair!" Not much room for misinterpretation is there? This is not positive reinforcement as far as I'm concerned, in fact it is quite the opposite. BDD aside, I have had some bad experiences and plenty of negative reinforcement to mold me into the negative, spiteful person I am today. Product of my environment like I have said. I am like a child who has been told since birth that he is worthless. With enough negative reinforcement, your self esteem becomes crippled and you BELIEVE that you are worthless. Enough people have made fun of me to skew my own perception of myself. If enough people treat you like a monster long enough, then you will believe you are a monster. I can live in hiding or I can get a lobotomy, but exposing myself to further ridicule is not an option.

 

[Oknow]

Yes, I wish I had the strength or indifference or whatever it is to make me stop caring what other people think of me and how they react to me but it is not so easy to do. The purpose of the drugs were to put me in a fog...kind of a chemical lobotomy to kill that part of my brain that obsesses over this. Would that have been a better fate? And then there's confidence. People speak of confidence like it is the cure all but where does confidence come from? Positive reinforcement. Why are good looking people so confident if not arrogant? Because they get all the positive affirmation they need from society because they are brainwashed into believing your value as a person is gauged by how good you look. Having hair is one of those basic criteria for being considered attractive...if not normal. Just look at personal ads women put out. Bald men need not apply. No baldies please. I've even had women tell me to my face that, "You're so handsome...too bad you're bald." or "I would totally date you if you had hair!" Not much room for misinterpretation is there? This is not positive reinforcement as far as I'm concerned, in fact it is quite the opposite. BDD aside, I have had some bad experiences and plenty of negative reinforcement to mold me into the negative, spiteful person I am today. Product of my environment like I have said. I am like a child who has been told since birth that he is worthless. With enough negative reinforcement, your self esteem becomes crippled and you BELIEVE that you are worthless. Enough people have made fun of me to skew my own perception of myself. If enough people treat you like a monster long enough, then you will believe you are a monster. I can live in hiding or I can get a lobotomy, but exposing myself to further ridicule is not an option.

I know that thought pattern, I have gone through it. Part of the reason why I have BDD too is because despite having a full head of hair I was always told I was a nerd, I was a geek, I would never be with a hot girl since an early age. This ULTIMATELY had the same affect on me as it did on you. And do you know what it was in my head, I have had many opportunities with attractive girls but I let them pass by because I was so self absorbed in my woes. If I was positive I would have taken the positive approach, use these experiences to build a more positive outlook on things.

I am starting to see beyond this though, and do you know what the problem is man? Life in general is hard for all of us. For every single guy on this board that is an average joe. Not just for you, its hard for everyone. Yes you may have those who have it on a silver platter, but the reality is they are so far and few between.

As for looks, you get ugly NW1 (who DONT get laid), you also get ugly bald guys. Hair may be a dealbreaker for some girls, but it is not the only way to attract a girl, I am sure you have seen an unattractive bald guy with a reasonably good looking girl. And I bet when you have seen this you think to yourself "How did he do it? Has he got a big dick, is he rich", you probably try to rationalise it in some other form of logic to justify why such an event can take place. You say you have a daughter too, this means that you have been with someone, this means you can attract someone despite the baldness, if you took another perspective on it.

But with life essentially I tell you what the problem is, it's simple:

For every stunning girl there are 100s of guys chasing her.
For every dream job position there are 100s of guys chasing it.
For every rich man, there are 100s of guys trying to become rich.

Now look carefully, there is a correlation here. The things that are heavily sought after there is massive competition to get that one thing. And the competition will not all be from perfect model looking guys, it will be from all sorts of guys out there. Now I bet a dime whoever gets anything valuable will have to work hard for it. This means that there is an element of pain involved in accomplishing x task. Being sensitive, you fear that pain (rejection for example), as I would do, and essentially that is the problem, and without comfronting it your chances of getting the prize is slim. It then goes into a vicious cycle, you are trying to rationalise it. When really the problem is that we are all so self absorbed about our own needs and ourselves that we just can't see the bigger picture, that anything worth having is worth fighting for.

So tell me UM, with the above in mind, why should you be scared of failing? Even if it doesn't work out despite trying at least you can learn from the experience and up your game (say women for example), you'll become wiser etc.

So what people said x and y thing, what have you got to lose? Probably these people have their own sets of insecurities too. You are your own man, remember that and only you have the power to define who you are as a person. Believe me, people will respect you if they can see that you are a man who can hold your own two feat being unphased by bullshit, because it shows that you are strong and in some ways, admirable.

 

[Smooth]

Oknow,loooonng before UM will (if ever) accept his baldness, you will accept the fact that all of what you wrote wont change a thing, for every logic explanation you will give he will come with a another logic counter, there is nothing we can say to change him, trust me, ur not the first to try this, you had your shot, now let him be.
there is only one solution for UM -a head of hair, he will never get that, apparently Um prefers to chose the 'easy way' of feeling sorry for yourself then the hard way - acceptance, imo....case closed!

 

[uncomfortable man]

Deep down, we all have the same needs. Beyond food and water, there is the deep seeded need for love and acceptance (not just talking about sex) to feel whole as a human being. We are social creatures and as such have to compete for these resources just like any animal in the wild. Who gets all the resources (or at the very least, a disproportionate amount)? The dominant males. They get the food, they get the sex and more importantly...they get respect. Maybe we have evolved an inch or two since then but the primitive behavior is still the same. In this time and place that I exist in, my bald head puts me at a disadvantage to those dominant males for getting these said resources. Granted, it is not impossible but with the media brainwashing everyone that perfect=normal and that bald is bad and something to look down on, then that puts me at odds with achieving that very human need of just plain old acceptance by my fellow human beings. I just want to be normal, I just want to be accepted whatever that means. I shouldn't be afraid of failure, because by societies definition, I am a failure already.

 

[Oknow]

Deep down, we all have the same needs. Beyond food and water, there is the deep seeded need for love and acceptance (not just talking about sex) to feel whole as a human being. We are social creatures and as such have to compete for these resources just like any animal in the wild. Who gets all the resources (or at the very least, a disproportionate amount)? The dominant males. They get the food, they get the sex and more importantly...they get respect. Maybe we have evolved an inch or two since then but the primitive behavior is still the same. In this time and place that I exist in, my bald head puts me at a disadvantage to those dominant males for getting these said resources. Granted, it is not impossible but with the media brainwashing everyone that perfect=normal and that bald is bad and something to look down on, then that puts me at odds with achieving that very human need of just plain old acceptance by my fellow human beings. I just want to be normal, I just want to be accepted whatever that means. I shouldn't be afraid of failure, because by societies definition, I am a failure already.

But yet if that is the case then WHY are there plenty of bald men in relationships etc?... You are not a failure, you are the one holding yourself back.

 

[Cassin]

But yet if that is the case then WHY are there plenty of bald men in relationships etc?... You are not a failure, you are the one holding yourself back.

I have said this several times to him.

The thing is...he isn't even a bad looking guy.

 

[uncomfortable man]

Deep down, we all have the same needs. Beyond food and water, there is the deep seeded need for love and acceptance (not just talking about sex) to feel whole as a human being. We are social creatures and as such have to compete for these resources just like any animal in the wild. Who gets all the resources (or at the very least, a disproportionate amount)? The dominant males. They get the food, they get the sex and more importantly...they get respect. Maybe we have evolved an inch or two since then but the primitive behavior is still the same. In this time and place that I exist in, my bald head puts me at a disadvantage to those dominant males for getting these said resources. Granted, it is not impossible but with the media brainwashing everyone that perfect=normal and that bald is bad and something to look down on, then that puts me at odds with achieving that very human need of just plain old acceptance by my fellow human beings. I just want to be normal, I just want to be accepted whatever that means. I shouldn't be afraid of failure, because by societies definition, I am a failure already.

But yet if that is the case then WHY are there plenty of bald men in relationships etc?... You are not a failure, you are the one holding yourself back.

Don't mean to burst your bubble, but alot of those relationships started when the guy still had his hair (not unlike famous musicians who lost their hair AFTER they made a name for themselves) ....myself included. I asked my girlfriend if she thought we would have even had our daughter if I was as bald as I am now when we met. Her hesitation before giving me some polite PC answer was all I needed to hear. That burst my bubble tbh.