Time to have the talk I see...
Long ago, the ancient alchemists discovered a power that allowed them to turn any metal to gold, acquire immortality, and bestowed upon them the cure for baldness. The first two were worthless (obviously) but the third was the crown jewel of the efforts. All too late they realized the dark corrupting nature of said knowledge and tapped into it one final time and sealed it away forever in a hidden vault guarded by a gold plated, immortal T-Rex with a full head of hair. They called this creature the proto-Chad.
Originally, rumor has it, that the Chad was originally a creature revered for his perfect symmetry, but that it became intoxicated by the power of its flawless hair. Eventually it created the first man bun, a man bun of such thickness and radiance that it quickly caused every chick that laid eyes upon it to spontaneously disrobe. The alchemists slowly began to die off; despite their efforts to mimic the holy manbun they were no match for this creatures sex appeal. Too late they realized that the creature was not simply a product of this power, but it’s embodiment. In a last ditch effort to save humanity, they sacrificed themselves to contain the proto-Chad and his impeccable hairline.
Legend has it that only by defeating this legendary creature and consuming its flesh can one unlock the knowledge you seek. Be warned, the last words of the final remaining alchemist, (left to warn humanity of the danger, but who eventually starved to death while staring at his hair in a mirror), was a final prophecy foretelling that the rediscovery of this knowledge walks hand in hand with humanity’s doom. He then took a final breath and with his last gasp he uttered four final words...
“Just shave it bro....”
