We all know these sarcastic "just be confident bro" posts, which refer to the advice given to many hair loss sufferers to "just be confident". This advice is perceived by many to be useless and mockery. But is it?
This post will give a small introduction into the social mechanism that is "confidence", so people have a better understanding of the term, its implications, whether confidence can help in dating, etc.
More specifically, I will deal with the following questions:
1. What is confidence?
2. Where does confidence come from?
3. How do looks influence confidence?
4. Why does "confidence" matter in dating?
5. Can I just "be confident"?
6. Does it help bald people or other not-good-looking people, and how?
Foreword
Humans are social animals. We form social networks (I'm talking about offline here), which - in an evolutionary sense - are a trading system. By interacting with or within a society, (almost) every individual gains something: access to resources, control over resources, protection. And also: reproduction possibilities (a single individual can't reproduce sexually, and humans, until like 15 years ago, only reproduced sexually). As, evolutionary speaking, the sole objective of any animal is reproduction and giving offspring the highest chances of being also "successful" (resources, protection, and best reproduction options again), it is evident that the social mechanisms would closely intertwine with the biological objective of reproduction. There are some theories that say that everything in society, in fact the formation of society, was only for reproduction success.
Now that we have defined what society is and that - at least from our biology - the highest objective is finding the best mating partner, one has to ask: "How does one find the best mating partner, that gives my offspring the best mix of a) resources, b) protection, and c) mating success?"
Points a) and b) also depend, however, on another factor: Your ability to acquire them, usually in trades (or exchanges) with other members of society. Social capital plays a big role here: connections get you good jobs, and a good reputation makes you a trustworthy partner for resource exchange. You need to be a validated member of society. If you are considered a fraud, a liar, or weak (i.e. someone who can't deliver) people won't be interested in making deals with you (deals can be for resources, protection, social interaction, professional options...). Your chances of gaining access to resources and protection significantly reduce. And thus, your desirability as a dating/mating partner.
Society needs mechanisms for that. And, in consequence, these are mechanisms that are important for dating/mating.
1. What is confidence?
Confidence is a social feedback mechanism. People become confident by being validated for what/who they are by their social peers. Confidence is thus a reflection of how well individuals are accepted (and desired: for social interaction, resources exchange, fun, mating...) by their social group. That's why you feel unconfident in new environments, for example - you don't know how the new social group will accept and validate you. As acceptance is crucial to being part of a new group (which you need for resources, protection, mating...), you will behave more carefully.
If, however, you have a secure position in your social group, you can act more securely (with "more confidence"). You can express your needs more openly because you will not quickly have negative effects from it. "Wrongdoings" will rather be tolerated by a respected member than by a newbie or someone who isn't trusted by the group.
So, in essence: Confidence is a social feedback mechanism, which is a reflection - shown in an individual's behavior - of its validation and acceptance by its social group. This validation and acceptance is crucial to the individual's success in life, access to resources, and thus its capabilities of providing resources and protection to offspring. These are desirable traits for partners. So, as a consequence, confidence is an indicator of your qualities as a potential mating partner resulting from your social position.
2. Where does confidence come from?
Usually, as I said, it stems from the security of being able to (more) openly act in your own interests, which is a result of validation and acceptance from your peer group.
By being/acting confident, you reflect validation by your social group onto the individual with whom you are interacting. You show how much of a desirable social member/partner or trading partner you are, of how your stance is in your social environment. The better your situation, the better your access to resources and the better the chances for your offspring.
By being "more confident", you show all this to the people you interact with.
3. How/why do looks influence confidence (strongly)?
"Looks" are an indicator of good health and genes. These can be seen as "resources" that someone has: Mating partners will trade what they have to offer for what you have to offer in the deal that is "offspring production".
In a time where everyone has access to sufficient resources and protection they can provide to their offspring, "looks" (and thus, perceived health/genes) are the biggest influencing factor for desirability, as in terms of resources and protection the situation is much more equally distributed than in older times. Relatively speaking, looks have the biggest impact now because everyone can offer resources and protection that are sufficient for bringing up children.
Many men on these forums openly admit that they go, mostly, for beauty. What I just said is the explanation for that. It is also the explanation for why, today, most women also primarily look for "looks" in a man, even though they don't openly admit it. Men and women are subject to the same societies which offer sufficient resources and protection for bringing up children to everyone.
Now, when everyone has access to sufficient resources and protection, they do not have such big value in the trading system that is society anymore. Thus, you receive relatively little validation from your peers for them, as your trading capabilities with resources and protection are less desirable. What remains is looks, which now play a relatively much more important part in this trading system.
In essence, people nowadays receive the most validation for their looks. And thus, most confidence comes from looks.
4. Why does confidence matter in dating?
This is hardcoded into the part of our biology which was formed when humans formed societies. It is a metric and a reflection of how desirable you are socially, as a trading partner, as a mating/dating partner... in general, of how validated, accepted and desirable you are. One individual can assess another individual's social position and desirability by checking how confident they behave. Thus, they can check how good of a potential mate they are.
5. Can I "just be confident"?
You can't be really confident as real confidence stems from validation. As shown above, most (but not all) validation nowadays comes from looks.
However, you can behave in a confident manner. Essentially, you can fake confidence. Unless other people see through it, this way other people will perceive you as if you were confident: as if you were a desirable trading partner, social member, or even dating partner.
This faked confidence will give you better feedback by other members of the social group you are currently in. They will validate you. This, in turn, will give you the possibility to act confidently around them and thus, to be confident. In other words: Fake it till you make it.
6. Does it help bald people or other not-good-looking people, and how?
As I said in 5., you can behave in a confident manner to fake confidence, and thus fake desirability and validation by your social group, which, in turn, will actually make you seem more desirable to other people.
Conclusion
You can not "just be confident", but you can fake it to such a degree that it will significantly increase your dating chances.
This post will give a small introduction into the social mechanism that is "confidence", so people have a better understanding of the term, its implications, whether confidence can help in dating, etc.
More specifically, I will deal with the following questions:
1. What is confidence?
2. Where does confidence come from?
3. How do looks influence confidence?
4. Why does "confidence" matter in dating?
5. Can I just "be confident"?
6. Does it help bald people or other not-good-looking people, and how?
Foreword
Humans are social animals. We form social networks (I'm talking about offline here), which - in an evolutionary sense - are a trading system. By interacting with or within a society, (almost) every individual gains something: access to resources, control over resources, protection. And also: reproduction possibilities (a single individual can't reproduce sexually, and humans, until like 15 years ago, only reproduced sexually). As, evolutionary speaking, the sole objective of any animal is reproduction and giving offspring the highest chances of being also "successful" (resources, protection, and best reproduction options again), it is evident that the social mechanisms would closely intertwine with the biological objective of reproduction. There are some theories that say that everything in society, in fact the formation of society, was only for reproduction success.
Now that we have defined what society is and that - at least from our biology - the highest objective is finding the best mating partner, one has to ask: "How does one find the best mating partner, that gives my offspring the best mix of a) resources, b) protection, and c) mating success?"
Points a) and b) also depend, however, on another factor: Your ability to acquire them, usually in trades (or exchanges) with other members of society. Social capital plays a big role here: connections get you good jobs, and a good reputation makes you a trustworthy partner for resource exchange. You need to be a validated member of society. If you are considered a fraud, a liar, or weak (i.e. someone who can't deliver) people won't be interested in making deals with you (deals can be for resources, protection, social interaction, professional options...). Your chances of gaining access to resources and protection significantly reduce. And thus, your desirability as a dating/mating partner.
Society needs mechanisms for that. And, in consequence, these are mechanisms that are important for dating/mating.
1. What is confidence?
Confidence is a social feedback mechanism. People become confident by being validated for what/who they are by their social peers. Confidence is thus a reflection of how well individuals are accepted (and desired: for social interaction, resources exchange, fun, mating...) by their social group. That's why you feel unconfident in new environments, for example - you don't know how the new social group will accept and validate you. As acceptance is crucial to being part of a new group (which you need for resources, protection, mating...), you will behave more carefully.
If, however, you have a secure position in your social group, you can act more securely (with "more confidence"). You can express your needs more openly because you will not quickly have negative effects from it. "Wrongdoings" will rather be tolerated by a respected member than by a newbie or someone who isn't trusted by the group.
So, in essence: Confidence is a social feedback mechanism, which is a reflection - shown in an individual's behavior - of its validation and acceptance by its social group. This validation and acceptance is crucial to the individual's success in life, access to resources, and thus its capabilities of providing resources and protection to offspring. These are desirable traits for partners. So, as a consequence, confidence is an indicator of your qualities as a potential mating partner resulting from your social position.
2. Where does confidence come from?
Usually, as I said, it stems from the security of being able to (more) openly act in your own interests, which is a result of validation and acceptance from your peer group.
By being/acting confident, you reflect validation by your social group onto the individual with whom you are interacting. You show how much of a desirable social member/partner or trading partner you are, of how your stance is in your social environment. The better your situation, the better your access to resources and the better the chances for your offspring.
By being "more confident", you show all this to the people you interact with.
3. How/why do looks influence confidence (strongly)?
"Looks" are an indicator of good health and genes. These can be seen as "resources" that someone has: Mating partners will trade what they have to offer for what you have to offer in the deal that is "offspring production".
In a time where everyone has access to sufficient resources and protection they can provide to their offspring, "looks" (and thus, perceived health/genes) are the biggest influencing factor for desirability, as in terms of resources and protection the situation is much more equally distributed than in older times. Relatively speaking, looks have the biggest impact now because everyone can offer resources and protection that are sufficient for bringing up children.
Many men on these forums openly admit that they go, mostly, for beauty. What I just said is the explanation for that. It is also the explanation for why, today, most women also primarily look for "looks" in a man, even though they don't openly admit it. Men and women are subject to the same societies which offer sufficient resources and protection for bringing up children to everyone.
Now, when everyone has access to sufficient resources and protection, they do not have such big value in the trading system that is society anymore. Thus, you receive relatively little validation from your peers for them, as your trading capabilities with resources and protection are less desirable. What remains is looks, which now play a relatively much more important part in this trading system.
In essence, people nowadays receive the most validation for their looks. And thus, most confidence comes from looks.
4. Why does confidence matter in dating?
This is hardcoded into the part of our biology which was formed when humans formed societies. It is a metric and a reflection of how desirable you are socially, as a trading partner, as a mating/dating partner... in general, of how validated, accepted and desirable you are. One individual can assess another individual's social position and desirability by checking how confident they behave. Thus, they can check how good of a potential mate they are.
5. Can I "just be confident"?
You can't be really confident as real confidence stems from validation. As shown above, most (but not all) validation nowadays comes from looks.
However, you can behave in a confident manner. Essentially, you can fake confidence. Unless other people see through it, this way other people will perceive you as if you were confident: as if you were a desirable trading partner, social member, or even dating partner.
This faked confidence will give you better feedback by other members of the social group you are currently in. They will validate you. This, in turn, will give you the possibility to act confidently around them and thus, to be confident. In other words: Fake it till you make it.
6. Does it help bald people or other not-good-looking people, and how?
As I said in 5., you can behave in a confident manner to fake confidence, and thus fake desirability and validation by your social group, which, in turn, will actually make you seem more desirable to other people.
Conclusion
You can not "just be confident", but you can fake it to such a degree that it will significantly increase your dating chances.