Who I Used to Be

[Aplunk1]

I woke up at 12 noon today, with the same old girl.

I told her to leave so that I could go find a job.

Finally, she left. I applied all the topicals, took my Avodart, then waited an hour, then showered and got ready.

I went to the mall to apply at my favorite clothing stores.

Strolling through the mall, all alone, I noticed that things just weren't the same. It's been a long time since I've really gone to the mall, and I'm used to getting glances from women. I'm used to having pride, and having some sort of internal smile or happiness that makes me happy for being there.

Not today.

I couldn't get the courage to walk into one of those stores to apply.

What's the f*****g point? My hair is thinning. There's no f*****g way in hell that I'll stand a chance about getting the best job possible because of the way I look.

This isn't how I used to be.

I come home, it's about 4:15 now. I don't know what to do. I'm flat broke. I'm jobless, not in college, getting older... Just the other day, I told an old friend that I'm having my 21st birthday party this summer, and it's going to be big. She was like, "Oh my God, you're getting so old."

How the f*** is that supposed to make me feel?

I'm so unhappy, and my self-esteem is so low. I take these anti-depressants and I make myself smile all the time, but I'm so very unhappy.

I try snorting Xanax to get away from my problems, but they come back the next day...

I'm not who I used to be. I'll never be that young kid, who woke up with bed head, and a cigarette, and ready to face the world.

I cannot face this world anymore.

I feel so useless, poor, and unloved. I've maybe had one girlfriend who actually loved me... and for only a short while, when she departed to another college. I guess she never really loved me if she wanted to leave so badly.

I just wish I had someone who actually loved me and gave me a reason to fight for everything in this world.

I really and truly have nobody.

The girls that I sleep with are people with low self-esteem, just like me. The few girls and friends that I do have over encourage me to drink, although none of them realize that I think I have a drinking problem.

I've tried meetings, I've tried parties, I've tried prescription drugs, I've tried jobs, I've tried everything to make me happy--

but I feel like my youth has been robbed by me.

I sat in my car after going to the mall today, and sobbed myself, praying to God to get me out of this situation easy... because everything has been so hard on me my entire life. I just want an easy solution... I want everything to go away.

It doesn't look like anything is going away. My problems are here to stay.

I'm not who I used to be.

And I never will be.

Everywhere I go, everywhere I drive, everything I see in this scorching hot and ugly city, I wish that I'll suddenly fall into a deep sleep and wake up in my true form. I wish that I'll wake up in a different place, without these day to day problems.

I'm waiting for some college applications to come through. If they accept me, then I'm out of Las Vegas for good. If they don't, then I don't know what to do... Just drop out of college for good, go bald, and then eventually kill myself.

I've always considered myself a good person, someone with a great personality. But I cannot find the strength to do anything.

I promised myself I wouldn't visit these forums for a long time, but I just find it so hard to cope with life at all.

I've only been awake for 4 hours, but I'm feeling so low right now. I'm going to start binge drinking right now to forget about all this hairloss sh*t, about how poor I am, about how unhappy, about much I've changed, and how I cannot bring about any changes in this world.

If there is an easy way out of this, please elaborate. Because I'm more than happy to let go of this entire life in favor of an easier way.

Cheers everybody. I can feel my liver starting to bloat, and my skin turning yellow, but it feels so good to alleviate these problems that God is giving me.

I've lost so much time already. I just want to be anything other than this. I just want myself to become a memory, and I want the real Andy to come back to life.

I'm certain that in my place, and in my time, that this is Hell. Living in Las Vegas is hell, and I'm just another demon with no chance of salvation.

Cheers.

Andy

 

[hairwegoagain]

Plunk! Long time!

OK man, I thought you were doing better. I think you were for a while. I've been gone for a spell...glad I checked in.

You said that God has given you these problems. He has also given you the tools with which to solve the ones you can and accept the ones you can't.

Here's the ones you can do something about:

Job - pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go apply! You can't get a job if you don't walk through the door.

Money - Comes with the above, automatically!

Girl - gimme a break...you're probably looking in the wrong places like many guys do (including me when I was your age)

Friends - see above

School - Excellent! Apply and enroll! Apply for some scholarships too. There's lots of money out there for the taking. This is your best investment, believe me.

City of residence - this is easy to change if you really want to do so

Hair - you're doing what you can...and by the way, you never looked like you had a problem to me

Here's the one you can't do anything about:

Age - I'm not trying to sound like an ***, but friend, if you're just turning 21 you've got nothing to worry about. You know you're not old when you can't yet legally buy booze. I'm more than a decade in front of you. 21, my friend, is not old (and neither is 33 )

So that's not so bad after all. What you've got is a ton of opportunity. You're just not in the mindframe to take it. You can see that there's no reason not to do so, but something's keeping you from realizing your potential, which is very high. It's not your hair. You may not think you've got anything going for you, but I assure you that you do...a lot more than most people. Would be a shame not to take advantage of the ability YOU have to get back on track!

 

[Aplunk1]

Thank you, Hairwegoagain, for your useful and uplifting comments.

I realize I have a lot of potential. I was a 4.0 student in high school, but have succumbed to being a complete booze-drinking 20-year-old.

As far as hair goes, I can see my scalp in any light. This is such a change for me... and in less than a year!

There are many things I want to accomplish, but why do this when there's no one there to share it with you? Do you know what I mean?

Why should I go out and, in spite of all the ridicule and heartaches, and a million other headaches, go and achieve an academic status and a good job? Why? There's going to be nobody there with me to share it with.

Nobody wants to date a balding loser, and I don't blame her.

That's my opinion as of now... Sometimes, my self-esteem can be great, and I can manage everything...

But at certain times like these, I doubt everything. And I doubt myself now.

Thank you again, for your help. And I don't take any of your advice for granted. I really appreciate it.

 

[hairwegoagain]

As far as hair goes, I can see my scalp in any light. This is such a change for me... and in less than a year!

I understand, but in all likelihood you're brain is magnifying reality 10X. Some people hone in on something relentlessly and can't get it out of their minds. I think you are, along with many on this board, one of those people. I think if it wasn't your hair, you might find something else to worry about equally.

There are many things I want to accomplish, but why do this when there's no one there to share it with you? Do you know what I mean?

I very much know what you mean. I thought the right one would never come along. I went through many girlfriends until my late 20s and could never understand why none of them worked out. Some I should have never dated in the first place, because I knew they weren't for me from the beginning - but I didn't want to be alone. Some started out great but the relationships crashed and burned for one reason or another - sometimes my fault. I was beating my head against the wall trying to make things happen unnaturally. I finally relented and decided I wasn't going to find anyone. Guess what? That's when I did.

Why should I go out and, in spite of all the ridicule and heartaches, and a million other headaches, go and achieve an academic status and a good job? Why? There's going to be nobody there with me to share it with.

Andy, there's no one to share it with at this moment - that may be true. But you must get your life sorted out so that when someone does come along (and she will), you're prepared to share. I mean no insult, but right now you're a mess. What would you do if she walked in the door right now? What do you have to offer? A poor outlook on life in general. Could you blame her if she did an about face and walked out? You're not ready for her.

Now, envision yourself with a good job, maybe a degree, the future ahead of you. You're thinking like the "old Andy" and fun to be around. You don't mope around on the internet and you give your liver a break. You don't have to ditch your current friends, but you make new ones. You network. You don't force the issue of finding Ms. Right. You just let it happen, and it will. And now, you are fully prepared to accept her into your life. You have everything to offer (and I'm not talking about tons of money or a new Porsche). You know what I mean. You are "eligible," hence you will find eligible women (not sl*t trash). You need to discriminate!

Nobody wants to date a balding loser, and I don't blame her.

You know you're not a loser. I reject your statement 100%. You just need to get with it. Half the world has some hairloss. It's a poor excuse to give up on life...because it has no effect on your potential in any of the areas you're concerned about. Zero.

Sometimes, my self-esteem can be great, and I can manage everything...
But at certain times like these, I doubt everything. And I doubt myself now.

I can see that...but you've admitted above that you are capable of high self esteem sometimes. What changes between those times and times like this? It's not your hair!

 

[Aplunk1]

Wow... I'm kind of speechless, really.

You're right. I am fully aware that if I had good hair, I would obsess about something else. I admit to that, and it's something that I'm trying to control. I think that it's part of maturing, and I feel I'm getting better about that everyday.

You mentioned how relationships crashed and burned-- sometimes you tried to make them work when they were irreperable. I know exactly what you mean by this, and I've been through those relationships, too. But how did you handle dating women while losing your hair? Did it affect your self-esteem as it does mine?


You're absolutely right. If the right girl came into my life right now, she'd turn away. The women I see right now don't give a sh*t that I don't keep my apartment sparkly clean like I used to, or whatever. I'm not saying that I'm messy, but it's obvious that my self-esteem is extremely low. And that goes with my friends, too. I never bring them around anymore. If one of my old friends (all of my best friends live in another state- California) saw my apartment, they'd probably punch me in the stomach and tell me to clean myself up.

I have yet to find a "good" girl in Las Vegas. All the rumors you hear about Las Vegas women are true... They are slutty, arrogant, and always in pursuit of money. I mean that... Even at UNLV, the women were pretty bad there. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, but it just seems that I only come across shallow women... although, I admit that I can be shallow at times, too.

In my opinion, hair loss DOES have an affect on my potential. How am I supposed to be the kind of guy who flirts with women in the office? How am I supposed to get girls to hit on me when I go to check my apartment mail? I cannot enjoy the simple things in life because I'm physically ugly because of my hair loss. This does limit the simple joys of life... at least, I think so. I'm only 20, and I admit I don't know everything... but physical appearance, goddammit, is supposed to be important to me at this time in my life... and I'm being robbed of it now.

You're right. I don't know what gets me down, or what brings me up.

I pray that a change of scenery (hopefully, New York City if my choice college accepts me) will do me some good.

I used to be a little boy... that was 2 years ago... before hair loss sat in.

 

[hairwegoagain]

Wow... I'm kind of speechless, really.

You're right. I am fully aware that if I had good hair, I would obsess about something else. I admit to that, and it's something that I'm trying to control. I think that it's part of maturing, and I feel I'm getting better about that everyday.

Yes, you're right. It's a part of maturing, and to some extent it will happen on its own over time...but the amount you're doing is excessive, causing you to miss out on things that you'd otherwise enjoy or in which you'd participate actively.

You mentioned how relationships crashed and burned-- sometimes you tried to make them work when they were irreperable. I know exactly what you mean by this, and I've been through those relationships, too. But how did you handle dating women while losing your hair? Did it affect your self-esteem as it does mine?

Of course I was not happy about losing my hair. I'm still not, or I wouldn't be here. It hardly runs my life, though. I spent some time being mad about it years ago, but truly what can one do but all you can do? If I could wave a wand I'd have what I did when I was 21. But...before I did that I'd change other things that I now classify as much more important. You're right, physical appearance is important when you're younger. But, allow me to suggest that one's idea of "attractive" does change a bit as one gets older. Girls I thought that were my ideal when I was 21 would not rank the same now.

I don't know how to answer your question about how I handled dating while losing hair. Although I was certainly conscious of my hair, I wasn't overly insecure about it and don't remember fretting about it while dating. I didn't make it an issue, and I can't really remember it being one. Perhaps it cost me some dates but I'll never know. If someone says "no" it's not a given that it's your hair. It could be any of a number of reasons, but it doesn't matter anyway. You can move on (there are millions) or try again another time if you think she's worth the effort. I bet you've said "no" to some girls, right? If any girl was right for any guy, dating wouldn't exist. It's a process of elimination that goes both ways. I said it earlier but I'll say it again. Discriminate and don't settle. If something doesn't seem right, move on.

You're absolutely right. If the right girl came into my life right now, she'd turn away. The women I see right now don't give a $#iT that I don't keep my apartment sparkly clean like I used to, or whatever. I'm not saying that I'm messy, but it's obvious that my self-esteem is extremely low. And that goes with my friends, too. I never bring them around anymore. If one of my old friends (all of my best friends live in another state- California) saw my apartment, they'd probably punch me in the stomach and tell me to clean myself up.

They probably would, and they'd be doing you a favor. You are recognizing that others DO care for you, else why would your old friends care.... Picking up your place WILL make you feel better, at least it does me. More importantly, though, you've got to clean up your thoughts and outlook...and then act on it each day, every day.

I have yet to find a "good" girl in Las Vegas. All the rumors you hear about Las Vegas women are true... They are slutty, arrogant, and always in pursuit of money. I mean that... Even at UNLV, the women were pretty bad there. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, but it just seems that I only come across shallow women... although, I admit that I can be shallow at times, too.

You've told me that before. It's hard for me to believe that there are zero candidates in that city, but you are a better judge of that since you live there. One thing I know, though, is you're not likely to find her in the bars. Of course there are exceptions, but not many.

In my opinion, hair loss DOES have an affect on my potential. How am I supposed to be the kind of guy who flirts with women in the office? How am I supposed to get girls to hit on me when I go to check my apartment mail? I cannot enjoy the simple things in life because I'm physically ugly because of my hair loss. This does limit the simple joys of life... at least, I think so. I'm only 20, and I admit I don't know everything... but physical appearance, goddammit, is supposed to be important to me at this time in my life... and I'm being robbed of it now.

It has no effect on your potential. Your thoughts do. They cause you to go into hiding, to check out of society. Your hair did not prevent you from walking through that door today to apply for a job. No one was looking at your hair. You, however, were thinking of nothing besides your hair.

The simple joys are still there, you just need to recognize them and not shut them out.

You're not being robbed of anything. In fact, a good case could be made that you're robbing others by holding back your real personality. You're robbing an employer of a good employee. You're robbing a school of a 4.0 student. You may be robbing Ms. Right because you're unavailable.

I used to be a little boy... that was 2 years ago... before hair loss sat in.

Now, at 21, it's time to be a man and get on with things, starting tomorrow!

 

[Aplunk1]

How should I do that?

Shave my head? Find a part-time job? A full-time job? Wait until my college admissions come in?

I'm a couple hundred into debt... I know it could be worse... but dammit, I'm a poor 20-year-old.

Thanks again, for your guidance. As you see, I don't have many mentors, or friends worth providing genuine experience or advice, for that matter. Most of people I call friends, here in Las Vegas, aren't much of friends, really.

I know you cannot possibly answer all my questions, and I won't ask any more. But I want to thank you for giving me some reassurance and some advice that I'm taking into great consideration.

 

[hairwegoagain]

How should I do that?

Shave my head? Find a part-time job? A full-time job? Wait until my college admissions come in?

I'm a couple hundred into debt... I know it could be worse... but dammit, I'm a poor 20-year-old.

Thanks again, for your guidance. As you see, I don't have many mentors, or friends worth providing genuine experience or advice, for that matter. Most of people I call friends, here in Las Vegas, aren't much of friends, really.

I know you cannot possibly answer all my questions, and I won't ask any more. But I want to thank you for giving me some reassurance and some advice that I'm taking into great consideration.

Ask all you want, I don't mind a bit.

Why not get a full-time job until your admissions come in? Bring in as much $ as you can. It will also keep you busy. It's very important for your health that you don't sit around idle and bored.

 

[Guest]

hey aplunk i even feel worse than you. i dont go out of the house anymore. only very few times. and all because of my hairloss. im so desperate. im maybe get a hair system. dunno. i feel so bad. its really a hard time for me. i should go to to uni to study but i dont do coz of hairloss. i can copy everything thanks god.
but its all bad. how am i supposed to find a girl that way?

 

[DaSand]

I see you're down again aplunk, thought you could use some help.

I've in a bit of a depressing part myself. I have 2 years left of school and I'm still beating myself up over not graduating from college at 22. I am 22 now. I feel bad because some of my friends are finishing. But you know what, I was reading an article that the average amount of years to finish college is 5 years!

I had a nervous breakdown after my first semester at school and ended up getting an Associate's at a local community college. The major of teaching I wanted to do was changed because I realized it wasn't for me. Now I'm with a better major and I'd like to be a Manager. I applied for Shift Manager just yesterday.

Believe me, I was in my high school's Honor Society and Scholars Program. My SAT's were the crappiest, but I still got in. I still have potential to be great.

Life doesn't happen the way we want it to aplunk. It's hard to believe but it's true.

You can't let your hair loss bother you. I don't let it, I'm thinning all over and I don't care. Intercytex got ahead and things are looking brighter.

You just have to take action! Carpe Diem aplunk!

 

[powersam]

its really weird where you find new perspectives sometimes. was watching the sopranos and the psychiatrist lady said 'depression is rage turned inward'. the last 4 years of my life now makes a lot more sense to me.

 

[JayB]

hey aplunk,
congrats on only being 21...im not just blowing steam up your *** but it really is a good time to be 21 and suffering from hair loss. HM is nearing reality and commercial release..imagine if their worst case estimate (2010) is a reality for you....you will be 25!! Thats how old I am man! And let me tell you, im still in school right now...nothing changes whatsoever from 21 to 25...youre still a kid, hitting up bars with your friends, most of whom are single, and acting like an idiot even at 25..i see kids who graduated 2 years earlier than me still doing the same thing at 27....

you gota put things into perspective, things on the horizon are really looking up and just in time for you when you start your career hopefully or dive further into studies..imagine what its gonna feel like at 25 to have a full head of hair and hit on girls again! trust me there is NO difference from 21 to 25..21 seems like a day ago for me

 

[hair_tomorrow]

I think Joe the Zix Guy said it pretty well. Here's a cut n' paste from his web site . . .


11. My god it's only hair! You don't really have a problem. If tomorrow your doctor tells you that you have cancer or some incurable disease... that's when you have a problem. You can live a happy and productive life and still be bald! I realize this is not the kind of advice you want to hear but that doesn't mean that many of us don't need to hear it! Male pattern baldness can also be accelerated by stress. The less you stress yourself about the condition the longer you'll keep your hair in the first place. Try not to be so obscessed and concerned!

 

[Aplunk1]

Thanks JayB, that really lifted my spirits today. I'm 21 in two months, so I guess I still have a lot to experience... After all, I'll be turning 21 in Vegas! I have a lot of clubbing, drugs, girls to bang and leave, lol!

Thanks Hair Tomorrow, for that perspective. I know that hair isn't everything, but it's one of the few things that I pride myself on. I really hope that future treatments will be helpful.

 

[hair_tomorrow]

...
Thanks Hair Tomorrow, for that perspective. I know that hair isn't everything, but it's one of the few things that I pride myself on. I really hope that future treatments will be helpful.

Until then, hang tough my friend.

 

[Felk]

I know how you feel Aplunk, when you look back at who you were and everything seems so much better. I have had experience with this too.

Such is the nature of being human however: our problems are always changing. Naturally looking back a few years, we didn't have the same set of problems we do now. So when looking back we think "hey... i was trouble free back then! I had no hair loss, i had a girlfriend, i had a job".. or whatever it was. However this is our mind playing tricks on us - actually we had a whole set of other problems which we have since solved, and we were probably no happier back then.

So think for a minute, what you will be thinking in a few years time. Things coudl have changed drastically, for better or worse. One thing is certain though, they will change, and so will your problems. Because you will have new problems and worries which have replaced your younger ones, you will be looking back at being 21, feeling nostalgic and thinking "god i was so trouble free back then"

So whenever i realise this, i remember this quote:

"Many people are always doting on or mourning over the past, or worrying about the future... but they forget that the most important time in your life is what is happening right now"

...

Sorry if i got terribly sidetracked, and if this isn't really the nature of your problem... but it is for me.... keeping this in mind always brings about a healthy mental state for me, so i hope it can help you too


...


Also, hopefully HM or hedgehog juice or something along those lines will come along and take care of one somewhat more potent problem of ours...

 

[-cj-]

Andy my man, get your damn head up fool!

I totally feel you dude. I hide under a hat, and that makes my life easier right now, but I know I'll have to face it one day and I plan on taking that day in stride.

I too was an Honor Student in HS, went to college for 2 years, got depression, got insomnia and dropped out of school on medical. This is the time my hair started the plunge into male pattern baldness.

But you know what, somewhere along the lines I found a girl that loves me, talks to me about my treatments, tells me she doesn't think it's that bad but understands my concern. With my self-esteem I have no idea where I found her, but she loves me for me and not my hair.

A change of scenery would do you good for sure. But there are a few things you need to do. 1) Stop drinking, 2) Stop smoking. Not only for the health aspects of it, but the mind altering effects of it. I also was on Serzone during my hard times and I have suspicion of this aiding in putting me on my male pattern baldness path.

What you need to do is go to the gym! This is what I've started doing and I feel amazing about myself, although I still let my hair bug me it's helped a ton. All the money you save on beer/cigs you can go to the gym on.

Good luck dude, we're here for you.

 

[hair_tomorrow]

... 1) Stop drinking, 2) Stop smoking. Not only for the health aspects of it, but the mind altering effects of it. I also was on Serzone during my hard times and I have suspicion of this aiding in putting me on my male pattern baldness path.

I'm convinced that all of my treatments aren't working because of my smoking like a chimney. I'm trying to seriously cut down and quit beginning today.

 

[Munky]

My hair started to fall out when i was 19, i covered it up with toppik.., i knew it looked bad so i started staying in more and more and when i went out i always wore a cap/beenie.. I lost contact with my old mates and i felt at an all time low but i pushed myself hard at college and at the end i ended up with a good job in IT at 22.. Good job, nice g/f and just bought a house.., still crap hair tho :-x

Decided to shave it all off at the age of 24 and for me it was the best thing i could have ever done.. I don't think i look half as good as when i had hair but my confidence is so much better than before.. I can go out and talk to people without thinking about what they make of my hair etc.. I've a new group of friends and life is on the up.. Yeah i still feel sad when i look in the mirror but not as sad as i used to be before shaving it off..

Is it worth putting your life on hold for your hair?..No.. Would people really treat you any different if you had no hair at all?.., no..

If i had the choice i'd have hair but lifes unfair.. Go get that job fella and get on with your life..

 

[hairhaircomeagain]

Munky...Are you that dude in the pic...Maaan if you are ....I think you did yourself and the gals a huge favor by shaving it off...

Aplunk -> Looking at your pics, I think you should stop worrying about hairloss and start planning your 21 party...I am sending you my address in a message....dont forget the invite :d