noproblemis4ever
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ok, so, i've been pulling my hair out since the 5th grade. maybe earlier, but that is the year that rebeccah masucci called me out in front of the whole class about my large bald spot on the top of my head.
it started when i was little. my mom used to pay me a nickel per white hair i pulled out for her. after a few times i noticed a little sticky piece of wax at the end of her hair. i got so obsessed with that, that after i pulled out all her white hair, i saved some and went for the strongest, darkest brown hairs that would yield the most wax. of course, i showed her the white ones i had on reserve. she was reading her romance novels, so she didn't notice what was happening. after i made a nice bald spot on her, that was it for my nickels, indefinately.
i moved onto myself. i remember laying in my bed and taking out large chunks of hair. like huge!! just for the wax. it never hurt. still doesn't.
it was in high school that i began to move to other parts of my body. i tried to concentrate down low, since no one could see the effects of that. it was not nearly as satisfying. i couldn't defer the obsession successfully. when i was a junior, i came out of the bathroom with no eyelashes or eyebrows. i pulled them all out. my dad saw me leaving the bathroom and exclaimed, "what did you do!?" that was the only mention of it, ever, with my parents. neither addressed the issue with me, to this day, and i am now in my mid-30's.
my brother saw what i was doing in high school. he started doing it, too. it only lasted a couple of years with him then he got mad at himself and quit permanently. we have never spoken of it either.
when i went to a soccer camp, i noticed another girl with no eyelashes. i tried to talk to her to see if it was an obsession of hers, but she dismissed the conversation and closed down so quickly. she said that her parents told her she does it in her sleep. that was the end of that. period.
besides her, i have never met anyone else like me. i think i have tried to reason it out in my head, comparing it to nail biting or even those who feel satisfaction in cutting themselves. i have such beautiful red hair... it has been a real struggle since that first white hair.
it had manifested itself in later years in ways that i dreaded would happen. one time when my husband came home smashed and passed out, i laid next to him and pulled out a perfect line of his facial hair on one side only. i would have done his whole face, but it is quite painful and he woke up after only about 20 minutes. it felt so great to do it, though. immensely satisfying!!! it took a few weeks to grow in and he laughed about it, although he never knew it was a problem for me. he thought i was just getting revenge in a creative way. told me next time to do both sides before he woke up. (never did)
to control myself when he would be unshaven was torture! sometimes i succumbed and upset him or i would even barter for certain irresistable hairs. this thing can really control you. i begged him to stay clean shaven. pleaded. it was much more of a temptation than my own hair ever was. i had to look at it every day. up close. every night. it was so disorderly, so many shades of colors and there was no straight clean lines. a little guy here and a little guy way up there. so many out of place. aaaaah, it drove me crazy. well, he was not compliant. i became a nuisance.
worse yet, is my child. i pull his hair. not obsessively or over the top, but a few here and a couple more there, clean off the lashes of crooked hairs and pull out the couple of brows that are out of line (in his sleep). he knows i have a real problem and is, really, the only one in the world. i have had to apologize so much, but regardless, i can't get close to his face or play with his hair without him having the fear that i will do it again. he doesn't trust me; for good reason. my percentage is probably only 70% for controlling myself. and if a hair is sticking up on top of his head or out of place, or even a little bit kinky, forget about it! it's gone. he gets so mad at me. i am mad at myself, yet satisfied that i accomplished the goal.
it is like a web that i can't escape from. the nerve ends in my brain, i'm sure, have become a solid connection, and i don't know what i will ever be able to do. the pattern is burned into my behavior.
i am mostly scared that my child will pick up the habit. i see signs that my fears are real and it is such a devastating reality. guilt, shame and regret. if only i had more will-power. if only......
it started when i was little. my mom used to pay me a nickel per white hair i pulled out for her. after a few times i noticed a little sticky piece of wax at the end of her hair. i got so obsessed with that, that after i pulled out all her white hair, i saved some and went for the strongest, darkest brown hairs that would yield the most wax. of course, i showed her the white ones i had on reserve. she was reading her romance novels, so she didn't notice what was happening. after i made a nice bald spot on her, that was it for my nickels, indefinately.
i moved onto myself. i remember laying in my bed and taking out large chunks of hair. like huge!! just for the wax. it never hurt. still doesn't.
it was in high school that i began to move to other parts of my body. i tried to concentrate down low, since no one could see the effects of that. it was not nearly as satisfying. i couldn't defer the obsession successfully. when i was a junior, i came out of the bathroom with no eyelashes or eyebrows. i pulled them all out. my dad saw me leaving the bathroom and exclaimed, "what did you do!?" that was the only mention of it, ever, with my parents. neither addressed the issue with me, to this day, and i am now in my mid-30's.
my brother saw what i was doing in high school. he started doing it, too. it only lasted a couple of years with him then he got mad at himself and quit permanently. we have never spoken of it either.
when i went to a soccer camp, i noticed another girl with no eyelashes. i tried to talk to her to see if it was an obsession of hers, but she dismissed the conversation and closed down so quickly. she said that her parents told her she does it in her sleep. that was the end of that. period.
besides her, i have never met anyone else like me. i think i have tried to reason it out in my head, comparing it to nail biting or even those who feel satisfaction in cutting themselves. i have such beautiful red hair... it has been a real struggle since that first white hair.
it had manifested itself in later years in ways that i dreaded would happen. one time when my husband came home smashed and passed out, i laid next to him and pulled out a perfect line of his facial hair on one side only. i would have done his whole face, but it is quite painful and he woke up after only about 20 minutes. it felt so great to do it, though. immensely satisfying!!! it took a few weeks to grow in and he laughed about it, although he never knew it was a problem for me. he thought i was just getting revenge in a creative way. told me next time to do both sides before he woke up. (never did)
to control myself when he would be unshaven was torture! sometimes i succumbed and upset him or i would even barter for certain irresistable hairs. this thing can really control you. i begged him to stay clean shaven. pleaded. it was much more of a temptation than my own hair ever was. i had to look at it every day. up close. every night. it was so disorderly, so many shades of colors and there was no straight clean lines. a little guy here and a little guy way up there. so many out of place. aaaaah, it drove me crazy. well, he was not compliant. i became a nuisance.
worse yet, is my child. i pull his hair. not obsessively or over the top, but a few here and a couple more there, clean off the lashes of crooked hairs and pull out the couple of brows that are out of line (in his sleep). he knows i have a real problem and is, really, the only one in the world. i have had to apologize so much, but regardless, i can't get close to his face or play with his hair without him having the fear that i will do it again. he doesn't trust me; for good reason. my percentage is probably only 70% for controlling myself. and if a hair is sticking up on top of his head or out of place, or even a little bit kinky, forget about it! it's gone. he gets so mad at me. i am mad at myself, yet satisfied that i accomplished the goal.
it is like a web that i can't escape from. the nerve ends in my brain, i'm sure, have become a solid connection, and i don't know what i will ever be able to do. the pattern is burned into my behavior.
i am mostly scared that my child will pick up the habit. i see signs that my fears are real and it is such a devastating reality. guilt, shame and regret. if only i had more will-power. if only......
