A Tribute to Kelly Liu

Kelly Liu and I were friends for only a short time. A very very short time. But her life has affected mine in a very profound way, through the tragedy of her suicide. How Kelly's life has affected mine is so incredibly personal that I don't know if I will every fully divulge it on this page. That is between me, God, and Kelly Liu.

There is no doubt in my mind Kelly's relationship with her mother and both parents had a profound effect on her emotional stability. Some people are just very sensitive and put their whole lives into their parents acceptance and love. Constant failure to achieve both of these can destroy some in such deep ways that permanent damage can be done. This is not to put all the blame on Kelly's mother. I will be the first to admit I have never even met her. I base most of my comments above on the general feeling I got from Kelly about how her mother treated her, and the damage I have seen parents do in the past.

The moral of the story? Love your children. Respect your children. If you're not capable of this, you don't deserve to have them.

Kelly Liu made me smile, and made me laugh on so many occasions that I can't even count. She also drove me crazy sometimes. She had a knack for taking things to the extreme. We got into some arguments, and both of us exchanged unpleasantries (something common for her unfortunately, as I watched her engage people in chat rooms once in awhile) but at the same time she would be loving and welcoming the next day to the same people. She was not a lover of anger or sadness. She wanted more than anything to be happy.

As for her suicide? Nobody knew. She didn't tell anyone. She spent 100% of her time pretending everything was fine. In fact, she was so goofy about the whole suicide topic at times, in front of me and others, that we stopped taking her seriously. Many of us just assumed she was trying to get attention because she literally would talk about it like talking about a recent baseball game she saw. Nobody ever saw the serious side of it from her.

Kelly Liu posted all the details of the event including the song she was listening to over and over while she did it. "October" by Evanescence. I downloaded it last night just to feel the music, and see what tone it had. Many times a song and its melody will speak volumes for the mindset someone is having at the time. Much more than words would. I was surprised. The song sounds almost like a Hymn in a church. The ones you'd hear in more contemporary churches. The words almost sound like words to God. But the melody was remarkably full of hope. This is when I finally understood what she was feeling and thinking. It was after my post last night. The melody in the song was positive, encouraging ... in fact it was clear to me she was viewing this event as a final release from the hell going on inside her head since age 5. This event, for her, meant release and she truly believed it.

I thought a long time last night about her. I read all her posts on a suicide support forum from January to March 11. I realized that she was a victim of chemical imbalances in her brain. Things she could not control, and things which certain meds, unfortunately in her case, caused to get worse. Being trapped in your own mind has got to be the worst hell on this earth. Being aware of mental dysfunction, very similar to the guy in the movie "A beautiful mind", and not being able to do anything about it, had to have been a living torture. On this level I understand Kelly's need. Eventually, she couldn't even sleep without strong prescription meds.

When I met with her, she was an upbeat, beautiful, intelligent, witty, and very stable girl who was seeking someone to love her. A special guy. That was her dream. Sounded to me like every other girl I know. She was just determined to find someone who would love her and put up with her. When viewing her suicide from that manner, it seems like a horrible, terrible event that should never have happened. But if you look at it from the other point of view, its really just a sad, devastating, and dark event that released her from a mental prison that was literally driving her insane. She had been in a padded room. Shot up with Anti-psychotics. Starved herself to 78lbs. She knew she was doing it and didn't know why, and tried for 23 years to figure out how to stop it. Nothing worked. Viewed from that side, you can only feel immense compassion.

Kelly Liu was aware of her mental condition and aware that she couldn't do anything about it, ultimately. She had a tendency to be very vocal about her pains, and then reject any type of help people would offer. Many people I spoke to said they tried and tried but she wasn't interested. At the same time, somtimes in the same sentence, she would reach out for help. All part of the confusion going on inside, im sure, but it left others kind of helpless in trying to help her at times.

She would be very happy, then very sad, and she would reach out for help and when you'd try to help she'd many times just act like there was no point. She kept talking about how she just wanted to find someone to love her. A cute guy. I knew of a whole batch of them. Literally like 100 of them. Single guys who would love to date her. I almost dragged her by the arm to meet them. It was at a church but who cares. If anything that would only help, as these guys were full of love, not just looking to get laid, etc. She knew that, saw that opportunity, and something inside her still said "Nah, id lose interest". She wanted a guy who was not going to treat her right, and she said so. Thus contradicting herself. In a nutshell this is how she seemed at times. Wanting help, begging for it, even angrily pointing out that nobody wanted to help... meanwhile people would try to help, would do everything they could to offer help ... and she'd say "Nah dont worry about it, all guys want it sex and its pointless". Many people hit roadblocks with her despite trying. Again, just part of the disorder I guess. You want to find hope but your demons stop you from seeing any point in it.

She contacted me just an hour or two before she committed suicide. She inquired as to whether I still wanted to fly her down so we could spend some time together, and I told her it was unlikely as I was seeing someone now. I then, stupidly, made a crack about something - totally in jest - which was a sore spot for her. I didn't mean a thing by it, but it was not what she needed to hear, and she said "OH just fuck it. FUCK EVERYTHING!". The conversation was immediately ended. That is the last I ever heard from her. We'd had similar interactions in the past and she'd IM me later as if it had never happened, so I went to bed that night thinking nothing of it. You can imagine my regret.

Even though she was bipolar with a disorder bigger than anything I could have fixed, if that girl had said a single word differently that night, and I had any inkling as to what was going on, and if I had said a single thing differently to her regarding coming down to visit, she would have found a reason to stick around and she'd be on a plane right now ... still bipolar ... still fighting her demons ... but alive to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and palm tree's down here today.

Kelly Liu was a lover of life, and constantly looked for hope. Kelly was a victim of a physical condition that affected her brain, and she readily acknowledged it as that. Kelly struggled with bipolar disorder and saw it as that. Kelly acknowledged a 100% total release from that disorder when she began Lithium in November. "I smiled today. I couldn't stop smiling. Im finally beating this thing! Now I know im bipolar and I found a treatment that is working." she said.

To Kelly Liu, life and circumstances were just life happening. She knew good and bad would come her way just like everyone else. She just knew her brain dealt with those things differently than most people. She didn't whine, complain, or pity herself. Sure, her ex's loss of love for her hurt. Sure, her mothers lack of affection for her stung... but she was not looking to die. She just lost hope when the meds stopped working.

If you happened upon this page, and you are considering suicide... just know something. As trite as it sounds... people do care about you. People will miss you when you're gone. People will notice. Kelly didn't believe this. I guarantee you she would be blown away knowing I'd be here saying these things now. She was in denial that people loved her. Don't make the same mistake. Reach out to those people and harbor yourselves in their arms... even literally if you need to. There's no reason you need to be alone. Don't give up.

If kelly had only known that I would care enough to be here to write any of this. If she could see into the future and someone were to tell her "See? Kevin will be expressing how much he cared about you and missed you" .. I guarantee she would have phoned me and she'd be here today. She just didn't believe anyone cared, and here I was sitting - someone who cared. She didn't think anyone would miss her - and here I am missing her. You can't know everything. You can't know how many people care and will miss you. You can't know all the maybe's. The things that may happen that may just turn your world around in a beautiful way ... tomorrow. Kelly ended up being wrong. To everyone here, don't make the same mistake. Don't end up being wrong.

It is quite simply because Kelly kept saying nobody would care, and nobody would notice if she was gone, that I have made this page. To prove her wrong, with love.

Kelly Liu, you will always be remembered. You will always be missed. Your memory will live on in every friendship I have until the day I die.

Angel In Your Heart

She’s The Angel in your eyes,
Although you still feel the pain,
You’ll keep her in your heart,
Right there she’ll forever remain.

Although her life was short,
She Loves you just the same,
She knows you love her dearly,
Her love for you never places blame.

She’ll let you know she ‘s there for you,
When you feel your love wasn’t enough,
She’ll come to you in your memories,
When times seem to get too tough.

You’ll remember the look of happiness,
When she stared into your eyes,
She’ll take away all your tears,
When she hears all of your cries.

So just remember one thing,
When you feel that your to blame,
She knows you truly cared for her,
So she loves you just the same.